It is axiomatic in the counseling world that there are just five basic feelings: anger, fear, shame, sadness, happiness. I had a patient who covered all her bases-- especially the first four. She came in with major attitude-- slamming about, throwing things, refusing blood work, leaving the clinic, arguing with her mother. My staff just wordlessly handed me her chart: It said: "Abortion is disgusting!"
So, I sat down with her. She was angry at everyone and everything: she couldn't believe this was happening to her. She was also sad: the more we talked about it, the more she could connect with that feeling. She was scared: she didn't know what to expect. She had always been against abortion for herself (though not for others) and felt ashamed that she was in a clinic.
Miraculously, listening to her attentively, without judgment, and respectfully seemed to do the trick. At one point she said, "I don't really have anyone to talk to about this." She was right in her concern about how she would process this afterwards. (Me too.) But, she felt she had no choice--she had two small children, one an infant, no means of support, had some mental health problems, and partner not present. Gradually we mapped out some ways that she could shift from an impossible view of herself to a more self forgiving, compassionate place. It turned out that she couldn't square her personal identity as a mother with having an abortion, even though she was doing it largely FOR her children. In this instance, the workbook A Guide to Emotional and Spiritual Resolution After an Abortion was a good resource for what was sure to be an ongoing process.
Tough stuff. I often urge women, as I did this woman, to give themselves credit for struggling with all these big issues, in the face of all sorts of negative messages from our culture and often people close to them.
She finally said, "I think I'm feeling better." Then we did her ultrasound which was actually very reassuring to her. She was our patient of the day. When I saw her in recovery, she gave me a thumbs up and smiled. It probably wouldn't qualify as "happy" but I'm gonna take it-- five for five!
--Bon
I echo that: thank you for what you do.
Posted by: Kay | Monday, August 08, 2011 at 08:03 PM
I guess a partner was present at one time or another.
Maybe she could have killed the infant. I'm sure the older child and the not yet born pne would have understood she was doing it for them.
Posted by: Pandora | Thursday, November 04, 2010 at 07:36 PM
I just reread my post - I enjoyed visiting this man because of the compassion he showed and the care he took. Our conversations were just that, he didn't need to be sold to but he took the time to see me knowing I needed a set number of visits a day. I have no doubt that the local (predominantly immigrant) women didn't relate to him as easily but I knew they were in good, kind hands.
Posted by: sarahk | Wednesday, November 03, 2010 at 05:38 PM
Back in the mid '90s I briefly worked as a drug rep in North London, UK - a job I was lousy at and loathed. A few doctors I visited made my time bearable. One of these was an Abortion Dr in a very poor suburb. My job was to talk about Urinary Tract medicine and thats where our paths crossed.
He would tell me of women who would come back to him just days after an abortion with new STDs and UTIs. He described the heartbreak that they were powerless in their own homes to control their sexual activity. I thought of them when I read this post. I bet those first four feelings were in abundance, but not the fifth.
Whatever your personal views of abortion until you've walked in another person's shoes you truly can't judge. I am so thankful that I live in a sphere of western society which gives me choice and control.
Posted by: sarahk | Wednesday, November 03, 2010 at 05:33 PM
Just: thank you for what you do. You are a hero every day.
Posted by: Anne | Thursday, April 15, 2010 at 06:07 AM