Coming Out as an Abortion Provider

I finally met my partner's grandparents a few weeks ago. They are a plane ride away, so it's pretty rare that the whole family is together. We had discussed first impressions and what to expect from them. Active in their local church, Elks Club and Rotary, as well as the local Republican party, I wasn't sure how they would react to my work. It was a pretty long walk back to the hotel, so we decided to tell them that I worked as a counselor at an ob/gyn office until we'd all had the opportunity to get to know each other better.

After dinner with Grandma, Grandpa and family friends, one of the women there asked me what I do. I explained that I worked with pregnant women and that it was work that I really loved. I talked a little bit about how most of the women that I work with don't get great support at home through their pregnancies, have pretty tough lives and deserve good care. I mentioned how hard it is for women to express any mixed feelings about motherhood, when our culture often sends the message that it's supposed to be one of the most magical times in your life. I added that many women have had difficult experiences with pregnancy, partner issues or miscarriage, and it's hard to know who to talk to about this.

"Do you see many dead babies where you're at?" Nana's friend blurted out. My partner's jaw fell open and we shot each other a look and sat in silence for a moment.

"I mean...well, you see..." she quickly started apologizing, "when I...I was twenty-five I was pregnant. It was a stillbirth. The baby died and it was...awful. I still think about it. I think it's really important that women have someone with them for something like that. I'm really glad the women at your office can talk to you."

My partner recovered faster than I did, "Nell does work like that, she's done all kinds of pregnancy work, including grief work. I'm sorry, I was reacting to the language. We're pretty sensitive to stuff like this because, well..." We locked eyes and I gave a nod, "She also does abortion counseling with women." I braced myself for what was going to come next.

"Well..." Nana started, "Good for you. How about that, Ed?" She nodded at Grandpa, who gave a 'humph' in agreement. "You know, I think our family doctor used to do them," she said. "When my mother was pregnant--I had eight siblings--dad used to tease her about her visits. He'd say, 'make sure he knows what you're going for.' It was the depression," she added, "Women had to take care of their families."

I assured her friend that I was not shocked by the language, just unsure how to respond to her question. We went on to have a great conversation about pregnancy, abortion, miscarriage, postpartum depression, stillbirth, adoption, parenting. Nana and Grandpa had been foster parents for years, it turned out. We talked about the families they'd helped over the years and about her friend's stillbirth and later single parenthood to a daughter. It was such a weight off my shoulders and I left with deep respect for everyone who was there.

I think that many of us in the abortion care field get so used to the violence and vitriol spewed out by our protesters that we forget most folks don't feel that way and that women are anxious to tell their own stories about pregnancy, abortion, adoption or mothering. We fear a bad reaction, so we keep our work to ourselves and no one hears the real stories about what we do. This was one small, very meaningful lesson for me in speaking up.

-Nell

Comments

[chad]

i (a 26 yr. old adopted male) attended the march for women's lives in 2004 in d.c.... it was one of the most amazing events i have attended. we (the marchers) were issued tee shirts denoting our attendance... a few months later i was wearing the shirt sitting outside of a coffee shop in stl... a women in her 60's approached me and asked me what my shirt meant... i carefully explained it to her and braced for vehement reaction... instead she reached down, hugged me, thanked me for supporting her, her daughter, and her granddaughters...

[Abortion Blogger]

I love this post! Thanks for sharing.

[Mellankelly]

The most disturbing thing you've ever heard? Obviously you haven't had the misfortune of listening to the vitriol the anti-abortion extremist spew at women who have terminated their pregnancies. How fortunate for you.

[mamaoftwo]

I cannot believe 'charmedgirl' had the nerve to say she was a good mother to her child she aborted. That is the most disturbing thing I've ever heard of. After you chose to subject your child to horrible pain while ripping his body away from his head you have the audacity to say you "had the sense you were a good mother to that baby". You will have to answer to God one day and explain why you chose to do that to your own flesh and blood, the most precious thing in the world. If you cannot care for the child there's somebody who will.

[Helen]

That story about the depression was an eye-opener to me. It might explain the prevalent myth that if abortion is decriminalised (it's on the crimes act where I live) women will "use abortion instead of contraception." Because, of course, having a surgical procedure every couple of months is so much easier than taking a pill, right? Now I realise they might get this idea from their grandparents who didn't have the same kind of access to contraception that we have now.

[charmedgirl]

i had an abortion during my first marriage, and i always had the sense that i was a good mother to that baby. i never kept it a secret.

after many years of infertility, ivf, and triplets, i had a full-term stillbirth last september. NOW i understand the importance of SPEAKING UP. i try to talk about it whenever possible. it's only in talking about it that people will find some comfort, for themselves in their own experience, or simply to open people's minds to the prevalence of baby death.

the deeper issue, i think, is that girls need to be educated about what it really means to open their reproductive selves up to through sex. the implications/repercussions are subtle and endless. there is a saying that goes, "it is the nature of evil to be secret."

sex education, abortion, stillbirth, traumatic birth experiences, PPD...rape, incest, child abuse...it is the nature of evil to be secret.

[pedgehog]

Thanks for posting this. I have such a hard time with knowing when it is ok to tell people I work in an abortion clinic. I don't want to hide what I do, because I am proud of it, but at the same time there is always the concern that I'm going to make things awkward or cause a heated discussion when really, I don't want to spend every day fighting about abortion.

It can be so wonderful when someone you expected to oppose abortion is actually supportive and proud of you. I'm glad I'm not alone in these concerns, or in these experiences. Thanks again for sharing this.