There have been a few women lately whose stories have stuck with me, so I wanted to share them here.
Lindsey (as always not her real name) is 37, has some serious medical conditions, and, as she put it, "just missed having kids" because she was taking care of elderly parents, in business, busy. She and her husband of 25 or so years were still in love and met with me on an off day so that we would have time to talk about what was troubling her. She talked about her life for about an hour and how upset she was that she was pregnant. There was nothing that I heard that was encouraging about having a child; she was happy with her life mostly, but she was also doing some spiritual work and wanted to be sure having a child wasn't "supposed to be" her new path. That is such a hard thing for so many: figuring out what meaning life has for us. She scheduled for the following week and I genuinely thought that she was fairly resolved. When she and her husband returned, I talked to them for over an hour again, and still she was not completely "there." But, as her husband pointed out, she had not taken one step toward having the baby either (prenatal vitamins etc.) She didn't say anything different, but just couldn't go forward. I encouraged them to leave, to take a walk, anything to break the deadlock. What seemed like hours later, I was holding her hand during the abortion and she finally said, in a very small voice, "Am I bad person?" "Can I have an abortion and still be a good person?" is a question that lurks in many women's minds.
Melanie was a difficult patient for me, which was good, if you see what I mean. Her voice tone was, well, whiny, and it really seemed that she was not taking responsibility for her decision. Her partner was, like Lindsey's, kind and patient and devoted and he was clear that this was the wrong time for them to be pregnant. They were both quite deeply religious. I listened to her carefully and very directly told her that she did not sound resolved at all, and that if she went through with the abortion, she could regret her decision and jeopardize her own emotional stability as well as her relationship. (She kept saying, "Well, maybe I should just get it over with." I sent her off with the Pregnancy Options Workbook, and with a new workbook called "A Guide to Emotional and Spiritual Resolution After an Abortion," which I felt she would need sooner or later.
When she came back the following week I couldn't believe it was the same person. First of all, her voice was in a normal register and she just looked "centered." She had filled out her workbook and was brimming with an energy she did not have before. She was still anxious about the procedure and she too gripped my hand tightly during the abortion. She too was having problems with the idea of having an abortion and still being a good person. When she asked "what do you do with it?" I suggested that she could enclose a note, and both the remains and the note would get incinerated and 'return to the universe'. Her partner went outside and brought back a rose and we included that too. I let her smell the rose, which was so fragrant, and I hope that is her memory of her abortion instead of all the negative thoughts she had about herself the first time I talked to her.
Finally, LaShonda got to me because she was sobbing. She too was religious and struggling with what was "right." She had 4 kids and 3 of them were the result of marital rape. She had been abused so severely that she lost the use of a limb. We are talking about Sybil kind of abuse here, the kind that you read about and can't quite get your mind around. And she needed to talk about it. And I listened intently, trying not to hear the horror of it, but to that thread of strength and hope that somehow kept her going to get out of those situations. She nearly died so many times, and no one helped her but her young child who was also abused in a very sick way. The irony for her was that she was with a wonderful caring man now--why keep the rapist's child and not the one created out of love? But she also knew that she was spent physically and every other way and it was time for her to heal herself and her children. As with Lindsay and Melanie, she gripped me fiercely during the abortion, and said, "I never told anyone these things before." She will stay with me for a very long while.
A fellow counselor from another clinic told me that she often writes a patient's name on a little piece of paper and puts it in her pocket. She often finds it in the laundry or mixed up with her shopping list, but it is her way of getting some closure on emotionally significant sessions.
Dear readers, thank you for being my ritual for closure tonight.
--Bon
"Why abort an infant when you can have it adopted?"
~One cannot 'abort' (termination of a pregnancy) an infant. And adoption is not an alternative to abortion; adoption is an alternative to raising your child yourself.
Posted by: Mellankelly | Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 01:15 PM
Why abort an infant when you can have it be adopted?
What reason does a 37 year old woman have for aborting versus adoption rather than not wanting to deal with the physical pain of pregnancy and childbirth?
Posted by: Nathan | Thursday, August 21, 2008 at 10:01 AM
Linda,
It could be that she and her husband have known eachother for "25 years or so" even if they haven't been married that long. I met my husband when I was 15 and while we've only been married for 5 years, I've known him and been "together" with him for more than a decade. Perhaps it is the same with the first Woman?
Peace,
Jenna
Posted by: Jenna | Thursday, July 31, 2008 at 04:41 PM
Wait a minute -- the first woman was 37 years old but had been married for 25 years? So does that mean she married when she was 12? In some parts of the world this does happen so it's possible that's the case with her, but is it possible there's an error somewhere too?
Posted by: Linda | Saturday, June 21, 2008 at 07:39 PM
Thank God for the work you do.
Blessings
Posted by: ymp | Thursday, June 19, 2008 at 02:41 PM
Oh LaShonda, what courage, what grace. May your young child always be the delight of your life.
Posted by: Yatima | Wednesday, June 18, 2008 at 09:30 PM