Lost

On our patient chart, as on many other abortion providers' chart, women are asked to circle all the words that describe how they are feeling.  At least thirty adjectives are on that list and women circle many or few.  Both "happy" and "sad" appear, as do "confused" and "certain"; "relieved", "strong", "scared", "peaceful", "guilty" and many more.  As a counselor, I ask women to tell me what the words that they have circled mean to them.  One word that is rarely circled, and therefore of great potential importance, is the word "lost".  It may mean to the woman that she feels lost because her partner abandoned her when he found out she was pregnant, or lost because she fears being estranged from God, or lost because she thought she was opposed to abortion but finds herself having chosen it nevertheless. She may even feel loss of her identity as mother even though she is likely to be choosing abortion specifically for those other children.

These threads are crucial for a counselor to follow, sometimes because the woman needs help in finding a pathway to support, forgiveness, or simply back to her own sense of self.  Sometimes she just needs a place to sort out her feelings in an environment that is non-judgmental.  This past week I counseled a woman whom I'll call LaTisha, aged 37.  Her description of what "lost" meant to her had more to do with denial of her husband's drug addiction, lying, stealing.  They had just had a baby this summer and that, combined with what she described as constant personal chaos as well as chaos in the home, having to go back to work almost immediately after the baby was born to cover her husband's car crashes, money thefts, had left her in a state of just mopping up one disaster after another.  Becoming pregnant again so soon made her realize that she was ruining her life and  possibly her child's too by trying to make the marriage work.  In the process, LaTisha said, she had lost herself and was losing sight of her goals. 

Life, she said, was "happening to her" rather than being under her control.  Her time and energy were usurped by trying to find out the truth (was he using or not using drugs, did he or did he not steal the money, the jewelry).  Between that and caring for her newborn and working, she said that she herself barely existed.  Because she was not paying attention to herself, she said, she sometimes missed her birth control pills, made mistakes at work and was generally not taking care of herself.  But suddenly, when she found herself pregnant again so soon after delivery, she had to stop and think about where she was, where she wanted to be, and what needed to be done.  She said that once she sat and thought about all she had been through and how caught up she was in trying to deny to herself the severity of their problems, she realized that all that she had worked for could come crashing down on her.  She could lose her home, her job, or the support of her family who had been telling her what they heard on the street about her husband.  Eventually she decided to have the abortion on Saturday and tell him to leave on Sunday. 

I commented on how calm, how at peace, she seemed as she was telling me this story.  Ah, she said, that's because I am no longer lost.  I have found myself again.

lu

Comments

[BJSurvivor]

dean of geeks, I certainly cannot speak for all women, but *I* could NEVER give my family to a stranger and an uncertain future, never to know what's become of them. To me, that would be like having my child abducted. If the world was a safe and wonderful place where children were never abused, beated, raped, and tortured, your way might seem more sensible. But I live in a place called "Reality." I am not a mindless baby-making machine. I am a person, and as a person I have far too much conscience to mindlessly bring forth new life that I cannot properly love, cherish, and care for.

[Ann]

Thank you for your blog, and this post. I feel lost at times with the decison we made. We have two children, but my body does not handle pregnancy well and I almost died with one of them. We became pregnant (while on BC) waiting for the vacectomy date, and ultimately made the decision to terminate. I feel lost as I felt I needed to make the decision to remain in my present childrens lives, but ultimately forsaking the life of another child. It was the most difficult decision I've ever made.

I wish the anti-abortion people could at least recognize that most women do NOT make this choice easily. It weighs on our hearts and minds. I cried a river of tears and my heart still aches today for what we lost, but do not regret my choice.

I will never forget her, and she will remain a part of my forever.

[Kelly]

Sandra,

I am saddened that you think having a child and aborting a child are equally honorable and moral choices. What kind of choice, then, is having a child and giving it up for adoption?

I just don't understand why people think that if they can't love and keep their baby, then no one else can either.

[dean of geeks]

I do not mean to spam you, so delete this if you do not appreciate it. I have started an abortion discussion at the ISU discussion blog ISUer.com. Just inviting you to present your own facts if you would like.

http://isuer.com/2007/11/27/make-abortion-available-to-all-then-work-to-decrease-need/

thanks

[Sandra]

I learned about this blog site through reading "Abortion Under Attack" (highly recommended) and I'm so glad it exists. This story is such a stong example of all the things that can be going wrong in any woman's life, regardless of race, religion, age or socioeconomic standing. Anti-choice supporters are quick to point the finger and bombard women with feelings of shame and guilt, but can any of us really say what we would do in that situation without ACTUALLY being put in those hard-to-walk-in shoes? I would've never guessed that, two years after having my daughter (my partner and I took very careful consideration in making that choice), I would be working in clinics helping women who have made an equally honourable and moral choice. Thanks for your stories and keep them coming!!

[Ericka]

Yes. THANK YOU for this story. Perfect example of how the hard decision of abortion can actually be healing. And beautifully written, too.