not for the wimps

what a week it has been!  a number of the counselors i work with and i, too, have had some really challenging cases to deal with.  in the process, though, we learned a lot.  even though we do this work all day long, every day, and some of us have been counseling for many years, our hearts are still so strongly in our work.  on thursday, one counselor, we'll call her ruth, was talking to a young african woman who was still in a state of great pain.  she felt that her choices were having the baby and bringing shame to her family, indeed her whole village, because she had let them down by becoming pregnant after being sent to the US to study.  she is not the first african woman to express similar feelings.  the pressure to succeed and come back to aid their village are tremendous.  not many are offered the opportunity to go abroad and study.  the village desperately needs women like her to come back to help with the myriad of problems the villagers are facing.  so to return home pregnant, having wasted tribal money and yet have no degree, to bring shame and disgrace to her family that she let down the whole village is more than she (and others like her) can imagine.  suicide would also bring shame, but if it did not, that would have been her choice rather than to have an abortion.  but, in fact, abortion is what she ultimately chose after many hours of discussion and exploration of alternate options.  now she must figure out how to forgive herself and also how to ever get god's forgiveness (according to her belief system).  we are working to get her appropriate spiritual and cultural referrals to help her with this.

today a woman who drove more than two hours to have her abortion came to the clinic, also on the verge of suicide.  in her case, it was not because of the abortion but rather because her husband of over ten years just told her last week that he has been seeing someone else for two years and that woman is pregnant also. he is moving in with the other woman, leaving his three children that she and he had together.  she has struggled with drug problems and hopes that this does not throw her into another round of using which will be destructive for both her and her kids and could cost her her job.  she recognizes the signs, and fears her own weakness.  her counselor at the clinic worked with her for hours to set up a contract that the woman would not try to hurt or destroy herself and would connect with the therapist she had worked with in the past.  we'll check in with her too this week.

a third patient is fighting for custody of her three kids.  she recently had a preliminary hearing in which she and her attorney assumed that the case would be dismissed since the ex-husband has a criminal record, an alcohol problem and had not been the best dad when they were married.  but the judge is allowing the battle to continue.  this woman, cindy, said that she is now so scared that her ex can outfight her because she does not have the money for an extended legal battle and so is tempted to continue this pregnancy (conceived through a birth control failure) so she'd at least have one child with her.   but she fears the pregnancy could also cause the judge to rule against her.  another tough choice.

the ability to work with women in crisis, to allow them to voice their fears, grief, and weaknesses is a true gift.  not every one could do what we do.  and i say that not to brag about what we do, but rather in humility that we were given this ability to "walk with women and men in their darkest hours".  we do not judge, we do not run away, we do not fear to hear the unspeakable.  this is the work we do.   some divine power has allowed us to be present in others' lives and bear their burdens for a bit, yet still  have our own lives, our own joys.  it can not have been an accident that we were granted this ability. 

of course there were many women over the course of the week who did not feel or suffer as the women above did.  i also talked to women who described themselves as strong, resolved and pretty much they just knew what needed to be done.  but isn't that the way of life?  not all folks experience the same circumstances in the same way. in order to be a counselor in an abortion clinic, of course one needs to be compassionate and non-judgmental.  but she or he must also be able to sit with the women no matter what pain they feel.  we have to be the ones who can just listen.  for it is then that the woman will hear her own true voice.  we cannot push her or try to influence her.  as with all of us, these women make the wisest decisions when they have ample time to think, evaluate and ponder without undue influence.  inexperienced counselors have the urge to jump in, help the patient to feel better immediately with little thought to the long run.  we also want her to feel better but we want her to feel that she has made the best choice after careful examination of her own life circumstances.  only she will know when and what that is.

lou

Comments

[Linda]

Colleen,

Thought so.

[Linda]

Colleen,

I don't think you are really expressing "Just a thought," any more than you came here to honestly ask a question -- the loaded way you phrased your "thought" tells all. If you can really prove you're not a troll, maybe your "thought" will get answered.

[Colleen Tronson]

HI!

Interesting blog, I am prolife and would like to continue listening to your your comments about work in the abortion clinics. I think your spin on "compassion" is interesting. I wonder if a woman "felt" that using drugs or abusing her children (that were born) would be the best chice for her would you also support her decision? Just a thought

[Julie]

Oh man. Yet another variation on the tired arguments that "abortion is the easy way out", "don't punish the babies", and last but not least, "lots of people can't have kids."

Let me instruct you, dear Phoebe:
1) The woman is just making the choice which she feels is best for her. Simply because it's not the choice you want her to make doesn't make her "selfish", or "taking the easy way out." Abortion is a difficult decision for many women, some feel sadness after, even though they recognize it was the right decision.

2) Abortion isn't "punishment". But I have noticed some pro lifers are all about punishing people for having "recreational" sex. One way to punish women for that is to take away the right to decide not to have a baby.

3) Sorry, but women are not obliged to go to term just so a childless couple can adopt. Plus, there are hundreds of older kids waiting for loving parents. But no one is lining up for them because they aren't perfectly formed infants. Also, the decision to give up for adoption is just as hard as deciding to abort.

[Phoebe]

Has anyone ever considered that babies shouldn't be the ones to pay for somebody else's lack of sexual self-control? Rape, promiscuity, or just a plain "oops!". Good adoptive parents are ALWAYS possible to find. I know SO many married couples who can't have kids. The solution is SO captain obvious. So let's stop giving people the easy button to cover up sexual mistakes, and start taking responsibility. We are not called to be selfish, that is the bottom line. Nobody ever promised life would be heaven. Abort selfishness!

[The Pedgehog]

Hi, first time reading this blog - just wanted to say thanks for doing what you do and for writing about it, so people know what really happens in the clinics. Someone very close to me is a counsellor at an abortion clinic and every day I am proud of her. Props to everyone making a difference in the lives of women.

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[Anne Hill]

Hey there,

I just passed on a Thinking Blogger Award to you all. Thanks for the great work on your site.

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And the origin of the thinking blogger award here:

Best,
Anne

[Julie]

Hey Bon/Lou:

Can we lose this White Man's Prophecy post? It's just bandwidth wasting spam.

[Heather Nijoli]

Thanks again for providing a consistently well written and informative blog. From everyone here at the Equal Access Fund, we thank you.

Abortion providers/seekers in the Appalachian region face even more strife than in the rest of the nation due to small thinkers, bible thumpers and anti-choice fake clinics next to each actual provider.

Thanks for listening and for donating.

_heather at equal access fund of appalchia

--------------------------------------------------------------

WE PROVIDE LIFE CHANGING ASSISTANCE TO WOMEN

:::PLEASE CONSIDER DONATING AT THIS CRUCIAL TIME:::

Equal Access Fund continues to seek "seed money" donations from individual donors in order to grow our fund to help more women reach justice by funding their right to choose.

As the only abortion fund in Tennessee, we are receiving FAR more requests for assistance than we can meet.

Your contributions are critical to this work. Your donation will be used to provide direct, life-changing assistance to women who want or need an abortion but don't have the financial resources to pay for it.

HOW TO DONATE ONLINE:

Use the address [email protected] to send a PAYPAL donation.

PayPal is one of the safest ways to send money online, and they never share your financial or private information.

[Kelly]

Thank you again for your strength.

[Kelly]

Thank you again for your strength.

[RuthieD]

"a "good" abortion - for the mother. How good was it for the OTHER human involved?"

The other human involved didn't have a developed nervous system and, thus, was unable to experience anything at all. Please stop anthropomorphizing insensate, barely differentiated tissue and demeaning the women whose bodies they inhabit.

[fidens]

You forgot to tell us about the part where you killed their babies.

[Julie]

Judith, how do you know adoption wasn't presented? The woman may have rejected it anyways because it still meant having a baby out of wedlock and bringing shame to her village. Deciding to give up for adoption is not an easy choice either. She would have had to live with the knowledge strangers are raising her child. And she would worry these strangers might be abusing that child.

[Judith M.]

Why was adoption not presented as an option? She could have continued her studies and not returned to her village in disgrace. A reputable agency would have helped her with her medical expenses and she would not have had to live with the knowledge she destroyed her own child. Surely you must be aware that people who have strong moral feelings against abortion are the most likely to have negative side effects from having one. I hope she sues you and your organization for malpractice.

[little amazon]

"the ability to work with women in crisis, to allow them to voice their fears, grief, and weaknesses is a true gift."

Sometimes, though, it feels like a curse.

Especially because of all the crap we have to tolerate from society.

Thank you though, for this article. Sometimes you get so caught up in the politics of it all, that you need to bring the focus back on what's important. The patient. I had a patient the other day that gave me a hug and it just made my day. It's little things like that sometimes that make all the difference.

[Gaby LeBlanc]

a "good" abortion - for the mother. How good was it for the OTHER human involved?

[Ericka Lutz]

Dear Lou and Bon,
I'm a regular reader of your blog, though I don't think I've ever commented.

I want to THANK you for your hard, compassionate work. Truly, not for the wimps.

I write a monthly column at the online magazine Literary Mama. I've been so distressed about the recent Supreme Court ruling that I wrote this month's column about abortion -- specificallhy, my OWN abortion -- because I'm acutely aware that the personal IS political, and that the discourse is shifting to the point that even pro-choice activists are forced to say that abortion is a terrible (though necessary) thing. It's not. I had, despite the discomfort, a good abortion.

I'm not usually a huge self-promoter, and if I had an email for you I would send this privately, but I'd like to share my story and column with you. It's here: www.literarymama.com/columns/reddiaperdharma/

Thank you again for all you do.
Ericka