abortionclinicdays

Boyfriends

Last week it was mothers that were running themes and this week it's boyfriends. Two women, two different outcomes in the same hour. Both were returning for check-ups two weeks after their abortions.

The first woman was tearful, distraught, had not slept well or eaten in several days. The decision for her was difficult but she decided that since her b/f did not want a child and probably would not stick around for a pregnancy that she should have the abortion. Today she retold the story that "she had it for him..." and you guessed it, he booked. It makes you want to put up a marquee: PLEASE DON'T HAVE AN ABORTION FOR ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. But, by the time the relational crisis happens, it really feels like you lost the pregnancy and the guy and what for?

The pregnancy decision is so profound that it frequently shifts everything for the woman but not necessarily for the man. His view was that the break up was about to happen anyway, but was delayed by the pregnancy and subsequent abortion. So how do you break up with a pregnant woman?

My hope for this woman is that she will use this awful moment in her life to start building her trust in herself rather than relying on another person for her stability. From this very low point she has to find ways to choose herself, first in little ways, like eating something, eventually in larger ways, like knowing what to do with your life and not letting someone else tell you what to do. She might have come to the same conclusion of having an abortion, but oh, the road is so different.

The second woman, minutes later, had told of her partner giving her a hard time two weeks prior. I asked her how it went with him. Basically, he came around days later and she put him on the street to cool his heels for a night or two. She trumped his whining with her own story of going through everything by herself. Don't you know that a few days later he called again, and apologized? I said to her, "Can I borrow a cup of your confidence and give it to this woman next door?" An energy transfer, a la Star Trek, "my heart to your heart, my will to your will."
---Bon

When things shift

It is such a satisfying moment to witness that internal shift that you describe in the last post. It is mostly a question of having time to let the woman just talk although sometimes a good question or observation or encouragement helps her realize her inner wisdom more quickly.

I was very fortunate the other day to have two such women back to back, with very different outcomes, but the shift was almost palpable.

One woman was very poised, in graduate school, the daughter of a single mother who had sacrificed a lot to raise her. Her partner was very much against her having the abortion, and I had the feeling that he had pushed her a bit into having intercourse in the first place. She was very religious and wrote on her form that she was concerned that she was losing God. It turned out that her partner was having his "spiritual advisors" call her a lot, and that he was telling her that God would be mad at her, that she would go to hell, and that God would not want her anymore. When she came to me she was crying but able to talk; her tears kept overflowing in giant tears.

She spoke very eloquently about her mother and what her mother had lost in sacrificing so much for her. She was hoping for a better balance in her own life between becoming the educator she hoped to be and having children, both of which she wanted very much. The "bright light" was also showing her some things that she didn't like so much about her partner who was saying all these negative things.

We talked a great deal about her religious beliefs and her relationship with God. I (no biblical scholar) tried to remind her of the passage about nothing "will be able to separate us from the love of God." (Romans 8 it turns out.) Finally, she sat up straighter and said, "God is still with me, I know that! I'm not going to let anyone convince me otherwise!"

The second woman came in after several hours' drive to our clinic with the growing realization that she did not want an abortion. "The closer I got to here the more I realized I didn't want an abortion", she said. I agreed but was curious how it had gotten this far, so we talked for some time about her previous pregnancy. She had a really terrible time and both she and the baby almost died in the end. She had said that she never wanted to go through that again. As she talked though, it became clearer that underlying that difficult pregnancy was a deeper tragedy--her then partner, an abusive and impetuous man, died in an accident after a fight. She went into premature labor. She felt responsible for the death but she was also furious with him, but she couldn't see it until she contemplated ending this pregnancy. Quite suddenly, her whole posture and facial expression changed from one of perplexed agony to a centered, slightly abashed woman. "Oh, I guess I have been taking that anger out on this sweet man who could not be more different. He has refused to tell me what to do this whole time." Her regular therapist had said the same thing, she reported but she had not gotten it til she was telling the story.

In both women, understanding how they got there helped them "own" the decision and brought some kind of peace and resolve that was not evident before. And I had the thrill of being there.
--Bon

the bright shining light on your life

working with women every day as i do, and hearing their stories every day as i do, i am still struck with the pain of the process of deciding what to do when one finds oneself pregnant when the time is not right. someone not in the privacy of the counseling room with us might think "oh those selfish women, too bad for them if it's not the right time. they should have thought of that before having sex". but in truth, which of us really thinks that when we have sex? even god says that sex is for pleasure as well as procreation. so, in using birth control one believes--has to believe in order to fully enjoy sex-- and trusts the method of birth control. alas, birth control is not always reliable. then come those heartrending choices.

and so, into the counseling room we go. me, ready to listen to whatever you have to tell me. you, scared, confused, knowing what you have to do. but what thought process, really, goes on in women's minds? this week i spent some considerable time listening, just listening, to a woman whom i'll call liz. all of her adult life, liz wanted only to have a baby. her husband, who first was "not ready" ultimately told her he decided he never wants children. they separated a year ago and have not communicated since. neither has either taken any steps toward divorce. liz just trying to put her life back together and not knowing how.

liz finds herself alone, 36, and just sort of coasting through life. she gets up and goes to work every day, goes out with friends some nights, has a few drinks some nights with them. one night she finds herself with one of these friends in a situation that probably would not have occurred had she not been sort of lost, lonely.

so now what? she's too embarrassed to tell anyone what has happened. this is not like her, always such a "good girl". certainly not someone to have casual sex. and worse, she's pregnant. her family is adamantly opposed to abortion. up to now, so was she. and, since she had always wanted a baby, she can now have one.

but something just does not feel right. all of sudden, it's not about her; it's about the baby. how does one raise a child and tell him/her "your dad was just some guy i never meant to have sex with". what, she tells me, does that do to a child? and how does she, a single working mom, go to work, raise a child? she works long hours and would essentially have her child in day care most of each day and really not be able to afford anything other than the basics of life, if that. is that really fair to a child, she asks? all of sudden her affiliation is with the child rather than with herself. despite the fact that a child is all she really wanted, for her to have it seems incredibly selfish. the child, she says, has a right to a father, a dad like she had. and then, she goes a step further. perhaps, she says, there is a message in all of this. perhaps she is meant to look at her life, her goals, and realize, as she said, that she wants to lead a more purposeful life.

all this time, as she recounts her thought processes, her sadness, her regrets about not realizing that every moment *does* count, that in order to live a purposeful life, you need to be paying attention to be certain that you are moving along the path you have chosen. liz tells me that it's as if all of sudden a bright light is shining on her life. i shake my head knowingly and tell her that i have heard variations of that phrase before. pregnancy can shine the light that illuminates your life in a way that can be very uncomfortable. behaviors that maybe you weren't paying much attention to now seem rather glaring in the sharp light. it's not that liz is a "bad person" nor that she has been acting in shameful ways; rather, she tells me, it's that she had lost sight of her purpose.

i listened to her tell the whole story, look at herself, and then heard her say that she realized that god was giving her another chance, that this was a wake-up call, that she still could put her life on track. i could see her body language change as she moved through this process. not having told a living soul about her situation, she had just had the opportunity to assess herself, confirm her decision to change her life, and feel that she was ready to begin the next part of her life. she had, she said, been praying and talking to god every day, but did not feel one way or the other about his preferences for her. now, feeling the presence of god with her, she said she knew that god would bless her choice, her life, that it all felt right.

although i barely said anything during the whole counseling session, i suddenly felt as though i had been present for a spectacular human event. it was the type of event that only humans can move through. a thinking person had come to a realization, had forgiven herself and was able to move on. and she did this with a feeling that god was with her, at her side.

and this, dear readers, is what i love about my job! i have the occasional opportunity to be present at moments like this one. amen.