working with women every day as i do, and hearing their stories every day as i do, i am still struck with the pain of the process of deciding what to do when one finds oneself pregnant when the time is not right. someone not in the privacy of the counseling room with us might think "oh those selfish women, too bad for them if it's not the right time. they should have thought of that before having sex". but in truth, which of us really thinks that when we have sex? even god says that sex is for pleasure as well as procreation. so, in using birth control one believes--has to believe in order to fully enjoy sex-- and trusts the method of birth control. alas, birth control is not always reliable. then come those heartrending choices.
and so, into the counseling room we go. me, ready to listen to whatever you have to tell me. you, scared, confused, knowing what you have to do. but what thought process, really, goes on in women's minds? this week i spent some considerable time listening, just listening, to a woman whom i'll call liz. all of her adult life, liz wanted only to have a baby. her husband, who first was "not ready" ultimately told her he decided he never wants children. they separated a year ago and have not communicated since. neither has either taken any steps toward divorce. liz just trying to put her life back together and not knowing how.
liz finds herself alone, 36, and just sort of coasting through life. she gets up and goes to work every day, goes out with friends some nights, has a few drinks some nights with them. one night she finds herself with one of these friends in a situation that probably would not have occurred had she not been sort of lost, lonely.
so now what? she's too embarrassed to tell anyone what has happened. this is not like her, always such a "good girl". certainly not someone to have casual sex. and worse, she's pregnant. her family is adamantly opposed to abortion. up to now, so was she. and, since she had always wanted a baby, she can now have one.
but something just does not feel right. all of sudden, it's not about her; it's about the baby. how does one raise a child and tell him/her "your dad was just some guy i never meant to have sex with". what, she tells me, does that do to a child? and how does she, a single working mom, go to work, raise a child? she works long hours and would essentially have her child in day care most of each day and really not be able to afford anything other than the basics of life, if that. is that really fair to a child, she asks? all of sudden her affiliation is with the child rather than with herself. despite the fact that a child is all she really wanted, for her to have it seems incredibly selfish. the child, she says, has a right to a father, a dad like she had. and then, she goes a step further. perhaps, she says, there is a message in all of this. perhaps she is meant to look at her life, her goals, and realize, as she said, that she wants to lead a more purposeful life.
all this time, as she recounts her thought processes, her sadness, her regrets about not realizing that every moment *does* count, that in order to live a purposeful life, you need to be paying attention to be certain that you are moving along the path you have chosen. liz tells me that it's as if all of sudden a bright light is shining on her life. i shake my head knowingly and tell her that i have heard variations of that phrase before. pregnancy can shine the light that illuminates your life in a way that can be very uncomfortable. behaviors that maybe you weren't paying much attention to now seem rather glaring in the sharp light. it's not that liz is a "bad person" nor that she has been acting in shameful ways; rather, she tells me, it's that she had lost sight of her purpose.
i listened to her tell the whole story, look at herself, and then heard her say that she realized that god was giving her another chance, that this was a wake-up call, that she still could put her life on track. i could see her body language change as she moved through this process. not having told a living soul about her situation, she had just had the opportunity to assess herself, confirm her decision to change her life, and feel that she was ready to begin the next part of her life. she had, she said, been praying and talking to god every day, but did not feel one way or the other about his preferences for her. now, feeling the presence of god with her, she said she knew that god would bless her choice, her life, that it all felt right.
although i barely said anything during the whole counseling session, i suddenly felt as though i had been present for a spectacular human event. it was the type of event that only humans can move through. a thinking person had come to a realization, had forgiven herself and was able to move on. and she did this with a feeling that god was with her, at her side.
and this, dear readers, is what i love about my job! i have the occasional opportunity to be present at moments like this one. amen.
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