Boyfriends

Last week it was mothers that were running themes and this week it's boyfriends. Two women, two different outcomes in the same hour. Both were returning for check-ups two weeks after their abortions.

The first woman was tearful, distraught, had not slept well or eaten in several days. The decision for her was difficult but she decided that since her b/f did not want a child and probably would not stick around for a pregnancy that she should have the abortion. Today she retold the story that "she had it for him..." and you guessed it, he booked. It makes you want to put up a marquee: PLEASE DON'T HAVE AN ABORTION FOR ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. But, by the time the relational crisis happens, it really feels like you lost the pregnancy and the guy and what for?

The pregnancy decision is so profound that it frequently shifts everything for the woman but not necessarily for the man. His view was that the break up was about to happen anyway, but was delayed by the pregnancy and subsequent abortion. So how do you break up with a pregnant woman?

My hope for this woman is that she will use this awful moment in her life to start building her trust in herself rather than relying on another person for her stability. From this very low point she has to find ways to choose herself, first in little ways, like eating something, eventually in larger ways, like knowing what to do with your life and not letting someone else tell you what to do. She might have come to the same conclusion of having an abortion, but oh, the road is so different.

The second woman, minutes later, had told of her partner giving her a hard time two weeks prior. I asked her how it went with him. Basically, he came around days later and she put him on the street to cool his heels for a night or two. She trumped his whining with her own story of going through everything by herself. Don't you know that a few days later he called again, and apologized? I said to her, "Can I borrow a cup of your confidence and give it to this woman next door?" An energy transfer, a la Star Trek, "my heart to your heart, my will to your will."
---Bon

Comments

[anon]

I too had an abortion without one minute of shame or guilt. In 1985. I don't regret it for one single minute. The man I was with ignored his son from his first marriage and my child would have grown up knowing her father totally rejected her. (Of course, why was I with this creep in the first place is a really good question). I went on to have a very happy and fulfilling life, married a great man, have two wonderful kids who have a loving father in their daily life. There are many of us. We are truly the last silent majority.

[...]

"4) You cannot kill your unborn child within you and then feel nothing without deadening a huge part of yourself. "

I did. I walked in, had my abortion, walked out. Never had one feeling of shame, guilt, or sadness over it and I'm not the only one.

I'm not sorry ( http://www.livejournal.com/community/imnotsorry/ ) has many stories of women who did it with no regrets/sorrow/guilt/

http://www.livejournal.com/community/imnotsorry/9539.html
http://www.livejournal.com/community/imnotsorry/11936.html

are just two of them on the front page...but there are many more.

I'm sorry that you felt your abortion was that way, you should never have to feel that terribly about a choice, but please remember and respect that there are many of us who do NOT feel that way.

[Prairy]

Dear Lee:
I was pregnant 19 years ago, when I was in law school. My parents were SO conservative and religious, and I "knew" they would "kill me" if they found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend was a complete jerk - wanted me to have an abortion - and this, after talking about getting married for the year previously!
But I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I was sure my life was ruined. We decided to get married - he split three weeks before the wedding and I have never seen him since.
Ok - that all seemed like the world was coming to an end. But it didn't.
(1) I told my parents - they were so, so sad, but never ever talked about "throwing me out" or anything like that. But they were crushed. However, it made me realize - for the first time in my life - that all they had EVER wanted, in teaching me the rules they had told me to live by, was for me not to get hurt. I decided to defy their principles, and I found out that they had been right and I was wrong. I was also wrong to have believed that they would "kill" me. Your parents love you. They will adapt. And once a baby arrives, he or she is their grandchild, and all is usually forgiven. Babies have a way of doing that. It is a special miracle.

(2) I realized that any man who wants you to kill his child is no man at all - and certainly no husband or father. I was - and am - better off without him. I got married for the first time in 2002, to a much younger man who was the first man to ever treat me the way I dreamed of being treated. We have a 14-month-old son. It is a greater joy than I ever imagined or thought I was worthy of. But it also made me realize how special EVERY baby is, and how every baby deserves to live. My first son did not choose to bring himself into this world, and it would not have been right to make him pay the ultimate price for my mistake.

(3) I had my first son 18 and a 1/2 years ago, and placed him for adoption with a couple that could not have children and had adopted a little girl four years earlier. Ours has been an open adoption for the past 6 years. This has not always been easy, but it is such a comfort to know that he is ALIVE. He is 18 and just left for college this year. Do you have any idea how many nights I close my eyes and thank God that we did not kill him? Do you know how many times I cringe inside, thinking of how close we came? (We actually went to the clinic, and then just left.) I have always felt this way, but having another child last year only served to make the point more clearly.

(4) You cannot kill your unborn child within you and then feel nothing without deadening a huge part of yourself. PLease, please, please listen to those of us who have been through this - those who aborted and those who did not. You have a life within you. And one year from this very moment, you can be looking at the precious angel in your arms and telling yourself that you could not imagine life without him or her. Or perhaps, like I did, you will entrust this child to another couple to love and care for because you feel you cannot. But the person who wrote to you who said that you are ALREADY a mother told you the truth. It is too late not to be a mother now. Now, the only question is what kind of mother you will be. Please be the kind of mother who loves herself and loves her child. You will never, ever regret it.
/Prairy P.

[Annie B.]

Dashed the earlier comment off so fast, I meant to say that only my son meant as much to me as my daughter who I'll never know, not that "none of that matters more." I love my son to bits, and would never "throw him away", besides the fact that he's too heavy to do so now!

[Annie B.]

Lee, you deserve better than that. Someone who won't say such a mean thing to you, about not wanting to look at you. REALLY!

You sound just like I was, 25 years ago. I was 20 and had 2 more years of college to go too. My boyfriend and I had only been together about 4 months, though I'd known him about a year total. He said "I'll stay with you whatever you decide" (never offering to marry me of course!) and in the same breath, said, "I can get you the money to have the abortion." SOME support! It was MY parents AND his parents who were ultra-conservative, very strict religious folk. I really just knew my folks would toss me out of the house and stop paying for college. I knew I'd be homeless, no education, no job, maybe my boyfriend wouldn't stay after all, since I really think he was counting on me getting rid of it so he could finish college and not have to get a job too. (we ended up marrying after all and having one son, and divorcing when he was still in diapers; it was hell)

I thought I'd be alone in a different state than my parents, with a baby to raise, no home, no job, no family to help me.

I had nowhere to turn then. The places that exist to help women like us didn't exist back then.

But Lee, they do now! There are tons of places all around the US! At least 3,000 of them. And you can find out which one is the closest to you, easily, and without anyone knowing. BirthRight has 500 centers, they're toll-free at 1-800-550-4900. CareNet is another one, at 1-800-395-HELP, with tons of places.

I don't think they were around then, I might be wrong, but if they were, there were only a handful of them. If I had only known those places had existed, I'd have called. They're good people, and if for any reason you find one where they might be a little "too-Christian", just call up the next one (I know, unfortunately it does happen, but there are so many places now, it's pretty easy to get another one a short bus ride away or so)

I too always dreamed of having a house, job, and a husband and then a family. But you know what? I GOT all those things since then, and none of it matters more than my daughter who I'll never know. I'd throw it ALL away right this second, live on the street if I had to or out of a car, if I could have my daughter back. I have A LOT to throw away too.

She's the only daughter I'll ever have, now; I can't have more children. I have one son, and I'm lucky: some of my friends who aborted found out later it made them unable to have more children, and they're stuck with knowing they brought it on themselves.

You're lucky in a way that you can cry now about the decision before you make it. I didn't. I was in denial about my pain and my grief for 22 years. When it came crashing down, it was horrible. I don't want the same thing to happen to any woman. I'm healing now but it will always hurt.

You're also lucky--and I'm sorry if this sounds hurtful, I don't mean it that way, but if you dodge the bullet of getting stuck with a guy who really doesn't love or appreciate you, it is a good thing in the long run. There is someone out there who will appreciate you and your child.

And you know the saddest part? I myself am adopted and you'd think that I'd have thought to have the baby and let another couple adopt her who was able to care for her? But I didn't. I'm paying for that every day for the rest of my life.

Please email me if you'd like to talk. ANYTIME. Pls. let me know if you got the help you deserve, or if I can help you get it anyway. I'm in the Connecticut area.

[ashli]

hi. i read your post and my heart goes out to you. i would like to give you some things to ponder:

1. the boyfriend probably isn't going to stick around no matter what you choose. lots of girls abort because the boyfriend threatens he will leave, and they can't bear the thought of loosing him... only to find that after they abort his child, he can't stand to look at them because he knows that they were involved in killing their child. the girl becomes a reminder of the "horrible bad thing" that has happened and she causes shame in the man who knows deep down inside that his role as a man is one of strength where he is actually supposed to be a protector. abortion causes a sense of failure and shame in a man just as it does a woman. a woman can't get away from her body after an abortion, but a man can. if you choose not to abort your child you may lose the boyfriend anyway. but he will be required by law to be in your life for the next 18 years at least. i know you care about this guy, but a) he isn't being very nice to you saying he can't stand to look at you while you are carrying his growing child... who is very precious by the way, whether he knows it or not. so no matter what you decide, DON'T make the mistake of making that decision based on trying to keep the boyfriend around. chances are he's gone either way.

2. it is scary telling parents, but sometimes even the most conventional parents, though perhaps disappointed, come around. this boy's attitude may be a reflection of the way he was raised though, and that may be a bad sign re: his folks. the bottom line is, which will be worse to you? telling his parents and having to deal with their possibly crummy, cruel and nasty attitude or going to an abortion clinic and paying people to kill your child? the parents attitudes may possibly change. while everyone is alive there is always hope. if the baby is aborted there is nothing to work with, nothing to change. death is pretty final. attitudes and tough situations are temporary. abortion is forever.

3. you are pregnant. your child is alive and growing in you. you are a mother. abortion will not change that. abortion will undo your child, not your motherhood. after abortion you will still be a mother, but your child will be dead. is that what you want? how much will your dreams and hopes matter to you when you attempt to purchase them at your child's life? these are questions you will have to answer.

4. there is a lot of help out there for moms like you. a LOT. some of the help is quite temporary and some of it is longer lasting. this situation is not hopeless. you can go here for some really comforting ideas/options that are not only positive but realistic:

http://feministsforlife.org/taf/2001/fall/Fall01.pdf

if you need more help let me know. also, when i graduated from college another girl was the single mother of TWO children, had a job and STILL graduated with honors. no telling what kind of help she had of course, but she found a way and succeeded. also, something i have noticed about my own children is that even when you buy them the most expensive toy available, all they want to do is play with a box. we are taught that children need the best of everything... but sometimes the best things in life are free... like a mother's love, a set of watercolors, a free refrigerator box, a day at the park with friends, etc. i know children whose parents are doctors and lawyers and their kids are unhappy terrors. i also know kids who live in trailers with moms who give them what they really need: love, time, attention. don't let society convince you to live what they say is a dream... not if it costs you your own child. it's not worth it. having everything handed to you isn't really good for a child. a little struggle never hurt anyone and can build a lot of character. the most important thing to a child is love. do you have that? the rest will come.

5. i aborted my first child, and that was worse, so much worse, than anything else i had been dealing with. i thought my problems were unbearable, and then i aborted my child. nothing in my life ever prepared me for the negativity of that experience. it is something i will live with for the rest of my life. my child deserved better, i deserved better. you deserve better.

finally, i have a friend who was in a similar experience. she was in college with a guy who cussed her out and drove her to an abortion clinic 4 times. he was a maniac. she almost went through with it, because he was so awful, and because her parents told her before she left for college: "don't come home pregnant; it's the one thing we ask." her dad had some emotional disturbances and was smoking crack to boot. the home life was sucking majorly. she literally feared for her life if she told her dad. but she just finally came to the conclusion that she did have love for her child and that she was not going to destroy her baby and have to live with that for anyone or anything. yeah, she had dreams, but she decided that it was ok if those dreams changed. she had her baby girl. the guy split. her parents freaked at first, but got used to it, and now her mother is a doting gramma. the guy's mom was c-r-u-e-l, but now she also is a doting gramma, always trying to visit with the baby and getting huffy if she doesn't get to see her enough. it was tough for a while financially, but the state made sure all necessities were provided, and her daughter never went without. my friend did drop out of college for a couple semesters (trying to hold on to the baby's dad, following him out of state and all) but after she let go of him, she DID go back to college. she is nearly finished with her degree and doing well. she is also getting married in january. I KNOW SHE WOULD BE HAPPY TO TALK TO YOU. she can tell you how challenging life is as a single parent/college student, and she can tell you how much she loves her daughter and how her life is worth everything. if you would like to talk to her, please email me back and i will give you her phone number or email address or both.

lots of people will be willing to help you if you choose not to abort your child. i can tell you that AFTER you abort your child, people just don't want to hear it; there was very little emotional help. even my counselor got tired of rehashing it. pro-choice people tried to help by telling me to forget it, that my child was not really the same as a person, and pro-life people tried to tell me to "give it to Jesus" which was just another way of saying "get over it". but i didn't forget it, and i have never gotten over it.

you have the choice before you between abortion and life with your child, which has already begun. are your "dreams" for tomorrow worth the life of your child today? if your dreams changed would that be the end of the world? is it possible that a changed dream can end up being even better than your original dream?

ashli

[Sheena]

I just found your blog this morning, and I have to admit that I'm feeling so confused, my feelings are so conflicted. I had an abortion in Feb 2003, left the guy 3 months later only to find out later that I was pregnant yet again with his baby. When I found out, I was already 12wks and so shocked. I was 18, single, unmarried and from South Africa - where we do not have many options. The abortion clinics here are way expensive and usually very far away. To cut a long story short when I had the abortion in Feb 03 I felt so relieved, and I never dwelled on it. The second pregnancy I decided to keep the baby. I gave birth to Kiera in Sept 03, if you do the math you will see she was 3 months prem. I was told by my doctor that my womb/uterus was just not ready for another baby so soon. Kiera lived til 7 months but eventually died of a bad lung disease that she could not conquer. I have a lot of guilt in me, thinking that if I hadnt had the abortion she would never have been so damaged. At the same time though, if I had gone through with it, she would never have even been concieved!

I dont actually know what my point is here, I think that I still need some counsilling because I still have not dealt with it and I havent had a check up in a year with a gynie or anything. I also developed pre-cancerous cells that have never been treated. ANy advise for me? I feel sort of lost and dont actually know where to go from here.

Thank you for letting me blab, sorry I took up so much of your space!

[Monya]

Hi Lee, I had the wrong web address. the correct address is http://www.feministsforlife.org

[monya]

You might want to check out the website for Feminists for Life (I think it's ffl.com). It has very positive stories about women in your situation who chose to have their babies. They work to provide help and resources for college women with young children. I hope this helps you

[lee]

This article sounds so much like what I am going through. I actually went to an abortion clinic on Tuesday but it was to earlier for the procedure. After having more time to think about the situation, I feel like I am being torn apart. One part of me would love to have a child whether or not my boyfriend will stay with me (it is very unlikely that he will, he won't even see me until it is over, he says he can't stand to look at me knowing that something is inside of me), and part of me is worried about my future. I am 21 and after this semester of college I still have at least 2 more. My boyfriends parents are very conservative and I think I am more scared about having to tell them than anything. I haven't told anyone but my boyfriend(we have only been together 1 year) and I feel so alone. I cry so many times a day because I know I'll feel guilty if I have an abortion and I know that if I have this child then my whole life will change in every way. I hate myself for not being more careful and "letting" this happen. I had always dreamed of having a house, job, and a husband and then a family. I have know idea what I should do, my mind is exhausted along with my body. It just helps to write this all down. Thank you. And if anyone had advice or suggestions please help me.