two perfect women

yesterday's counseling included two very different, very difficult, but ultimately very rewarding sessions. since they are both still in my mind today, i want to write about them. the first woman, whom i'll call josie is a student at a local catholic college. although she was very sure that abortion was the right decision for her, she had had to think long and hard as well as pray about it. because she did not want to become pregnant, they had been using condoms. she herself did not feel ready for parenting, she could not bear the thought of adoption because the child would always wonder why his/her mother didn't want her. that, she said, was as important as the total inability to even imagine telling her parents because she could not bear to disappoint them. and, like many young perfectionist women who are struggling with anorexia. the stress of having to deal with the pregnancy was pushing her backwards and she confessed that she had been unable to eat and knew it was not good for the baby or herself. but still, what she was having the most trouble with was that she had had sex. she, like many young women i have counseled, have made the pledge of chastity. i was immediately concerned that, with the way she was feeling about herself, her anorexia could prompt a hospitalization if she could not eat. as we talked about how she might forgive herself for not being perfect, she also agreed to talk to her eating disorder therapist about her pregnancy and abortion. having read recently the results of a study of young people who had taken the pledge of chastity, i was able to tell her that more than half of those who took the pledge had had sex within two years and that what was important now was for her to protect herself against pregnancy and STD's. but, even though she is still going to be with her same boyfriend, she is hoping to return to abstainance instead of birth control. and she still is wanting to be perfect. she was, though, very grateful for the many brochures we have for catholic and christian women who feel that they want to preserve their relationship with god. because that is a major concern for so many women and men we see here at our clinic, we address how the woman and/or her partner or parent will place themselves in god's grace. she thanked me for giving her some of the brochures and then chose more herself.

the second woman, whom i'll call denise, was older. at 33 she already had two children, one of them with a very very severe chromosome disorder. denise now knew that any child she would ever have could also be blind, deaf, and have the multiple handicaps that her youngest has. besides not feeling able to care for another special needs child, she knew that it would take time and attention away from her other two children. but still, she could not stop weeping. when i asked her to tell me ALL the reasons she was crying, she began to see that for her this was not only about abortion. she was giving up her the possibility of ever having another child and her partner had agreed to have a vasectomy as soon as he could arrange since he did not want her to have to suffer the way she was then. also denise said she was crying for herself, for how hard her life is, for having to choose abortion when she hadn't previously believed in it, for having to give up that part of herself that would love to have another child. then, although none of the facts of her life at that moment had changed, she stopped crying, said she felt ready to go forward because she had to live her life in the present. she said that that is one of the things that having a severely handicapped child does is that you can't live in the past, the future is completely unknown and is unlikely to get better, so you have to stay in the present. it was then i saw the strength that gets her through her days, one at a time. she said that she knew that god would forgive her, in fact already had since he alone knew about her situation fully. but she said that part of her that wants to be perfect, to be able to handle everything that comes might take longer to forgive herself. and, she said with a little smile, that that's just the way she is--that people always tell her that she is too demanding of herself. with a little shrug, she said "thanks for reminding me that this is what i do to myself. so, let's go. i'm ready."

Comments

[natalie]

Hello in reference to the first woman you were talking about, can you send me an electronic copy of the brochure for christian and catholic girls who chose to have an abortion?
thanks

[selma]

I'm curious: Did you correct the misinformation that first woman had about adoption? Surely you know about open adoption, don't you? There is no reason for the child to WONDER about the mother when open adoption means the mother can choose to stay involved in the child's life.

Here is a link to more info about open adoption in the event that you are not already familiar with it: http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/what_is_open_adoption.htm