abortionclinicdays

it's rarely simple

i read your entry called "i was blind" and it reminded me of so many women i have counseled. it's not just about abortion, of course; it can also apply to an abusive situation. so many women would never consider abortion if it were not for their children. your patient was worried about how her partner treated the older child who was not his. often there is unspoken worry of getting trapped with a man who mistreats a child, but also that he could change his mind about that one, that he could be unable to cope if there were three children in the home, etc.

i have seen so many times that women have an abortion not for themselves but for the children they already have. they tell me that they never even thought about abortion with previous pregnancies, but they fear that they will not be able to manage financially, emotionally, and might somehow become less the kind of mother they want to be if they continue THIS pregnancy. and often, that is how they begin to see that abortion could be for the best in their situation. they could never make a decision just because it would be best for them. they remind sometimes of the women who are in an abusive relationship and for years cannot get the courage to leave. but then when they see what effect the abuse is having on the child, they realize that they HAVE to go, whether it's that the son is beginning to mimic the dad or that the daughter's image of herself is clearly being influenced.

one difference, though, is that the abused woman can often find support when she leaves, whether it's family, the women at the shelter, or friends. women who choose abortion in order to somehow make a better life for the children she already has often cannot get the support they need. for example, in the past example, the woman's mother said something like "we don't have abortions. we find ways to deal". i just think it makes it that much harder to heal when there's no one you can tell who will just zoom in and say "i'm here, i'm with you, i know you thought this through and you're making the best choice." that is what i wish were different. i wish every woman could count on getting some support when she makes the decision to have an abortion. there is so much honor in their choices. oh, that we could all respect that!

lu

"I was blind..."

One of the women that caught my heart this week was a latina who came to the clinic with her 8 month old baby and her sister. We always tell people not to bring kids--it's just so hard on them, others. I wish we had a separate waiting room for parents with kids, but we don't. So, she said she would re-schedule, but really she was completely ambivalent about her decision. So, we did an ultrasound--8 weeks, plenty of time, and sat down to talk a bit.

Because it was the beginning of the day and I had a lot of sonos to do, people to get counseled, things to do to get the day moving, I thought I would just confirm that she would think about it and come back if she was ready. I should know better by now.

She needed to tell her story. She had an older daughter. She was introduced to this current fellow by a friend and they soon slept together, and on the first "date" she got pregnant, now the 8 mo old. "So you didn't really know him long?" I interjected. Right. However, he is devoted to her and to the baby that she felt she should have; abortion wasn't much of an issue then. The big problem is that he is mean to her older child, the one that is not "his". It is also clear that he is very controlling of her and he is taking advantage of her financially. "I was blind," she said, "and now I don't know how to get out of it." Understandably, she was concerned about having a second child with him, and "then maybe I never get out."

The problem? "I am against this sort of thing, abortion and adoption. Last time, my mother said, 'you will have it. We don't do things like abortion.'" This time, her mother said the same thing, but apparently without as much conviction. Her sister supported her, but was worried how she would do afterwards. "You're different from me," she said. "You're more sensitive and it would be hard on you." She, too, was worried about how she would do. "Do women have a hard time after?" she asked.

Well, that depends, of course, but not the answer she needed to hear. We talked about how her first responsibility is to her children, especially to her eldest who was suffering. Could he change his heart? or his behavior? She thought not; she had tried before to talk/beg. How would she feel about adoption? It turns out her sister could not conceive, could she give the child to her? Not without his permission, I pointed out.
Could she sacrifice this pregnancy--this beginning of life, for her other two children and for herself and feel that she was doing "the least bad" thing? She would think about that.

So, she left, with a workbook* tucked under her arm, feeling a little better for having talked, and a lot of hard work ahead of her. She shook my hand and thanked me.
--Bon

(*now standard counseling issue. it's also at www.pregnancyoptions.info)

once again, learning from a patient

when i was counseling the other day, i picked up a patient's chart and, as i read the words she had written, i thought, hmmm, maybe this woman isn't ready to have an abortion today. a vietnamese immigrant about 15 years ago, she had written: "i am sorry for my baby. I hope god will forgive me. i love my baby in my heart". in addition, when asked to circle the words that describe how she was feeling, she circled "lost".

but as we began to talk, she told me what was really the story of her life. her father was an american serviceman who left vietnam while her mother was still pregnant with her. when she was born, her birth mother gave her up because the stigma at that time of raising a half american child was too great for her mother to bear. she has no idea of the identity of either of her biological parents. this woman, whom i will call minh, said that she was luckily raised by a very loving family who accepted her exactly as she was and taught her to be proud of herself. when minh got married, she and her husband moved to this country, where they felt they could raise their children without stigma and bravely came here knowing no one. and, as minh said, not only did we not have even a dollar in our pockets, we had never even seen one! with very hard work and constant struggle, she and her husband have raised two children. they own two small businesses and return every other year to vietnam so that their children will know their grandparents and their heritage.

then minh told me that she knew that, when she was in her own country this summer, she would climb to the top of the mountain and there she would say good by to this child. she said "america does not understand that an abortion can be the best thing for a family. it is the best thing for ours. and i will make my peace with this baby in my own country where we understand about these things." i felt as though i had learned a great deal from listening to minh. she had, in fact, accepted the wisdom of her choice and knew exactly what the next step for her would be. i felt as though i had been given a great gift to be privy to her story, to be permitted to hear her thoughts without any censoring, to learn how her culture viewed this abortion.

lu

the spirit child

One of the everyday realities of my job are that there is no language for the experiences we are talking about. In the dialogues I have with patients it is an ongoing process to find ways to express difficult concepts and feelings. Like soul and spirit. Sometimes, like today, I can be the bridge between two women and their experience of abortion.

The woman had two children already and, although she felt sad and guilty about it, was quite sure that this was not the right time to bring another child into the world. Finances, other kids, emotional health, time all played into her decision. She was sure but she was struggling to express something. I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye, she said. We talked about the decision, of course, and how to find a way to honor this loss, chosen though it may be. I went through my usual litany of ways that others had found. Finally, she said, a little tentatively, "Do you think souls can come back?"

"I don't know that anyone can ever know that." I said, "but let me tell you what another woman told me: She was a woman who meditated on her decision for a long time. Finally, she reported that she felt that she was really talking to the spirit child that she was carrying. She told it how sorry she was that she could not have it. The spirit child said to her, 'Don't worry, I'm a spirit, I can return in any form at any time!'" I remember vividly how at peace the first woman was with this spiritual comfort. This second woman felt similarly answered and comforted.

When she had the abortion, she asked to see the pregnancy tissue that came out of her. She was only five weeks (three weeks gestation) so there was a tiny translucent sac floating on water. She touched the glass dish and said, "I love you. Come back when I'm ready."

As I write this, I can feel all sorts of people. from anti abortion pundits to pragmatic skeptics, gearing up for some cynical polemic. And I want to hold up my hands and say, "Wait! Don't try to criticize what these women have come up with to express their innermost thoughts." What they are trying to do is very personal and tender and important. What one woman comes up with to speak her heart may hold the key to understanding this complicated, paradoxical place that women have about life. And their language will illuminate us all.
--Bon