abortionclinicdays

iraq again

again today i talked with another woman whose husband is in iraq.  this woman, whom i'll call julie, is  in her early twenties, has one child.  in fact that child will soon be a year old.  but he has not seen his dad since he was four months old.  he is too young to even know that he has a dad.  his mother is doing her best to raise him alone and does have help.  so her situation is not as dire as many that i have seen.  but the problem is that when her husband came home this summer after basic training, she became pregnant.  as difficult as it is to actually have a conversation when you are halfway across the globe from one another, they managed to do so.  and they were in agreement that another child would not be good for their family right now.  already, they wonder how their soon-to-be one year old will  accept his daddy when daddy returns in another year or so.  and, even with help, raising a child alone is not easy so how could she do the kind of job she would want with two?  with the miracle of video cams, daddy will be able to see a part of his son's first birthday party but he is missing his son's first words, his first steps and will return to a child in whose upbringing he has not participated for two whole years.  to this young couple, having another child would put stress on every family member and, they decided, much to their surprise, that abortion would be best.  surprising because in the past, abortion was not a word that ever entered their minds, let alone their conversations.  but wars change people, change their thinking, change their decision making.  so julie had an abortion today.  she goes home hoping that her son's daddy comes home next fall as he is scheduled to.  she said she could handle it with one child but not two if he doesn't make it.  so many brave women and men, dealing with the longest war in more than a century.

lou

spiritual resolution

even though we do not advertise it, we are very open to patients' wishes to begin the pathway to spiritual resolution.  we follow the patient's lead and requests.  that means that if a woman or her partner asks to spend time alone with her pregnancy tissue after the abortion, we are very agreeable to the request, provide a private room and either stay with the them if they'd like the counselor to do so, or leave them alone if they prefer.  the other day a patient asked me if she could do just that, have time alone after the abortion with the pregnancy.  i entered the little room with her, made sure that she had what she needed including kleenex for tears and disposable gloves (although since it is her own tissue she does not have to use them) and then left her alone as she requested.  i had already provided her with some spiritual healing information that could help her to get started if she wanted, or she could say her own prayers or blessings.  i instructed her, as i always do, that i would wait outside the door and that she should open the door when she was finished and i would take her back to the recovery area.  after about 10 minutes, she exited the private room.  when she saw me, she threw her arms around me, hugged me and thanked me profusely.  i know that her road to internal peace had begun.  she did not want to have an abortion but knew that she and her husband could not take care of another child.  she felt that she and god had moved to their own resolution, so the private prayer and goodbye was just for her, for her own heart.

immediately after her i was talking to another woman who described herself as a devout catholic, one who attends a catholic college where she goes to the chapel almost daily since she started there because, she said, she can only manage her heavy class load, young child, and job by daily prayer to god to give her the strength and courage to continue on each day.  when she found herself pregnant, she first said that she decided to continue the pregnancy and raise the child, but soon realized that it was impossible, that she would have to quit school and then the loan payments would start, probably stopping her from ever completing her education.  with heavy heart, she came in for her appointment.  she too felt that her close relationship with god helped her to feel that, after confession, she would be able to go on with her life, that god would want her to complete her schooling so that she could raise the child that she struggles so much now to care for.  her family is not able to help her much, either financially or with child care so the burden is pretty much hers.  what she wanted was not closure between her and god which she felt she was on her way to finding, but rather that her pregnancy be sent to god.  i told her that she could view her tissue and say whatever prayers over it that she chose, but she said no that was not what she needed.   she then asked me if i would baptize the baby and i agreed to.  another staff person and i went to a private room, turned down the lights, then said the prayers together.  later i reported to the patient exactly what we had done.  she, too, was so grateful.  she took my hand and told me that it meant so much to her.  it was a good day, bringing peace to the women and to their pregnancies.

even though i have been doing this work for a very long time, these situations never fail to move me.  i feel honored that these women (and men) have chosen to share their deepest, most private feelings with me.  and even though i have done both of these things before,  i always retain the awareness of the potential life that these women have had to give up.  they know that we will treat the pregnancy as sacred and respect it.  because of that, i have experienced many treasured moments in my work.  and many many women who are our patients have been able to put to words exactly what they perhaps have not been able to say elsewhere.  it's part of why i treasure my job.

bon

Blowing It

I don't always leave a counseling session feeling like I have totally been helpful to the woman, but I don't often feel like I have totally blown it. Well, with Samantha I did.

She is 15 and came with her grandmother. Right from the get-go she said that she was not going to have an abortion, which was OK with me, but someone clearly thought that she would because she made an appointment for one. I am just now fascinated with how teenagers think and how they interact with their parents in helpful or unhelpful ways. Mostly unhelpful ways are what I get to see. So I was eager to talk to her to see how this situation worked itself out.

The story was tiresomely ordinary, I am sorry to report. Her partner is older, and you could argue statutory rape except that the mother said it was OK for him to live with her for a while. Still, that was the gun to Samantha's head-- if she didn't have the abortion the mother was going to put him in jail for statutory rape. According to the grandmother he stole Samantha's money, was into drugs, had no job, and was generally "bad news." Samantha herself didn't really have too many illusions about him but she also couldn't think much about it since her mother had banished him and he was already in jail for a parole violation. Still, the statutory rape charges were not concerning her much; maybe she sensed that her mother was bluffing.

She was adamant that abortion was murder and she wasn't going to do that, no matter what anyone said. But the consequences of that were not only the boyfriend possibly going to jail, but more importantly, that she would no longer be welcome at her mother's house--her home in other words. Her mother's new boyfriend hated her and her mother wanted her out anyway. The situation seemed to work out for everyone's agenda except this 15 year old. That left Samantha trolling for love, and a place to stay, for her and her baby.

The grandmother was as good and true as ever a person was. She blamed her daughter--Samantha's mother-- for ignoring her and taking her own new boyfriend's part rather than help her daughter. The grandmother tried to bring Samantha to her house for weekends and to mother her as best she could, but it clearly was not enough. The grandmother herself was in poor health and so was her husband, but I had the feeling that they would end up helping her out.

Samantha focused on her estranged father as a savior to rescue her. In an overwrought wail, she said, "My dad said that I could stay with him and it was OK to have the baby there." The grandmother painted a different picture: The father had virtually no contact with his daughter, but favored his younger son, occasionally taking him for outings, but never Samantha. He told her she could visit but then wasn't home when she came. She didn't feel that he would be likely to "be there" in any significant way.

No matter what I said, or her grandmother said, Samantha just kept saying, more and more hysterically, "Nothing you say will make me change my mind. I am not having an abortion." Ironically, I was not trying to convince her, but I was unconvinced that she really wanted to have a baby. She was just tired of being pushed aside over and over again. Usually I can find a way in but this time I could not and I found myself responding to the unloveableness of a child having a tantrum. I challenged her to be proactive about finding a situation for her and her baby if that's what she wanted, but I was one more voice telling her something she didn't want to hear.

I did offer some resources and ideas to her grandmother, but as they left, I felt like I was the grandmother's last hope and I had failed miserably. Now I wish I had found some love and empathy for this unloved girl, and said, "I see a girl looking for love herself. Where can you find it?" I don't know if that question would have unlocked her heart but it might have made me more of an ally. I know that it is not my job to solve people's problems in a short session. But I can usually connect with what is going on for the person I am sitting with and that connection and attention can sometimes produce something useful. This interaction ended with Samantha scoring an empty victory, and me just feeling empty. Pray for the children-- both of them.

--bon

history of sexual molestation

an astonishingly large percentage of women report that they have been sexually molested at some point in their lives.  the figure usually quoted is 27%.  (for the record, it's 16% of boys).  some women and girls become pregnant as a result of rape, having had sex against their will.  of course the majority of pregnancies conceived in sexual assault situations end up as abortions with the possible exception of marital rape; some of these circumstances are so very dangerous for women and many of them cannot leave their homes for fear of being beaten.  sometimes we at the clinic, at the patient's request, work with law enforcement agencies to collect the pregnancy tissue for DNA testing at an independent lab.  only occasionally do we ever hear the outcome since, unlike on TV, it is not uncommon for the final outcome to take quite some time before resolution.

the effects on women whose past medical history includes rape or molestation is heard, felt, observed almost every day at the clinic.  the girl who is very fearful and anxious of being touched "down there" by the doctor, the woman who has not been to see a gynecologist for a pap smear in over 10 years, the shaking and terrified patient who says that she can only be examined by a woman doctor are all possible examples of a history of unwanted sexual encounters, some having occurred when the women were small children.  our medical chart has a place for women to let us know if they have difficulty with exams or even if they have avoided them altogether.  we then work with those patients to create an environment in the exam room that minimizes their stress level so that, at the very least, the abortion can be performed.  it is our hope that, with our support, these women develop enough trust in us that they can return for regular gyn care.

but a less obvious yet more pervasive manifestation is the effect that sexual molestation has on women in their daily lives.  often i talk to women who have never trusted their own judgement, who have an extremely hard time deciding most things in their lives.  since pregnancy is such a major life changing event, some may find themselves almost frozen and unable to make a decision at all.  or they may state that they do not feel that they are prepared for parenting since they cannot take care of themselves, but that they feel "unworthy" to make a decision that would allow themselves to be better prepared for assuming the responsibilities of parenthood because that might be deemed "selfish".  or they might not have any experience in making important decisions throughout their lives.

just the other day i talked to a woman who ended up going home before her abortion was done.  this time i did not "send" her home; she chose it.  we had talked for quite some time and although she did not express any doubt that abortion would be best for her three very young children, she said that she was embarrassed to admit it, but she said she was not an "independent woman".  i'll call her trudy and tell you that she is 25 years old, recently moved here with her boyfriend, who is the father of her children.  they have not been getting along and trudy had been considering returning to the city where all of her extended family live.  she said that sometimes she thinks the only reasons she has not already left him is that he is her kids' dad and also that her family, who never liked him, will say "we told you not to be with him". 

right now, being new here, and more than a thousand miles from home, she has no real friends.  her family is adamantly opposed to abortion but she said that that does not influence her decision.  her religion is opposed to abortion, too, but she said she is firmly convinced that god knows that she should not have another child.  two weeks earlier, trudy discovered her boyfriend in bed with another woman.  this pretty much confirmed for her that she needs to leave him, and, as she said, returning home as sole support of three kids is maybe manageable, but with four she just could not make it.  even if he does send her some child support, it will be a struggle for a long long time since all three children are so young.

so what was her hesitation?  and why did she leave the clinc still pregnant?  she said that she just could not carry out such a big thing on her own.  she kept saying that she wanted to have the abortion, that she knew it was for the best, but she had no experience of doing anything without his permission and he did not want her to have an abortion.  trudy is educated, well spoken, not shy, and feels humiliated that she cannot act against him.  her past sexual abuse seems to have stripped her of her ability to act in her own favor.

she got as far as the operating room, was undressed and then said she could not do it.  trudy got dressed and then i sat with her while she told me that she could not go forward.  i told her that we would do whatever she wanted, either refund her money or go back into the procedure room.  she eventually asked me if i would go into the room with her, and of course i agreed.  once again, before the doctor even did an exam, she started to have a panic attack and said she could not do it.

i was willing to sit with her as long as it took, but she felt that she was done for the day, that she just wanted to go home.  her own voice is not one that she trusts.  when she is "just talking" about her feelings and her decision making, she is quite clear, but when it comes to carrying out her own desires, she cannot do it.

we at the clinic have to trust women to choose what they can best live with.  unlike the last woman i wrote about who seemed hesitant, trudy expressed no hesitation about abortion, just about being able to trust her own voice.  so many women are like trudy, knowing what they need to do, but being unable to move forward.  sometimes it's the fear of what will happen to the children they already have that allows them to act.  with women in abusive relationships who cannot bring themselves to leave for themselves, sometimes only fear of what might happen to their kids allows them leave.  or to decide to not continue this pregnancy.

lou

ps   trudy did not return and is now beyond the time that we could offer an abortion to her.  i cannot say what would have been better for her life and her children's life, but i do know that it was those early years of sexual abuse that stripped her of her sense of self so that she can "decide" only by not deciding.  it's how she moved here, it's how she will end up with four children while her boyfriend brings other women into their bed.  it does make me sad for her, that she seems unable to value herself.

not telling their partners

women who do not inform their partners they are pregnant know exactly why they are not telling them.  one of the most common reasons is that they fear abuse --pregnant women are beaten or assaulted more frequently than non pregnant women.  there are other reasons, too, of course, the kinds that real women in real life situations are struggling with.  i'd like to share three women and their stories with you.  you will see that each woman is different, each story is different.  each woman is trying to make an honorable decision that she can best live with.  each has prayed for help to make a wise, respectful decision. 

the first woman, whom i'll call alicia, is in her early 20's and just recently back from iraq.  she is attending college while working, but knows that she is going to be called up for iraq again soon.  her fiance is in iraq now, in a danger zone.  they had been using condoms as birth control, but by now everyone knows that no birth control method is 100% effective.  alicia knows he would want her to continue the pregnancy but she said that she has seen the damage done to small children who are being raised by neither parent, or by a parent who is soon to be sent to one of the war fronts.  she has also heard the women with whom she served tell of their feelings of helplessness when there are problems back home with their kids and they cannot hold them, touch them, reassure them.  she feels that the children suffer too much during the developmentally important early years of childhood.  she longs for the day that she can have a child but, she said, only when she can be a mother to it.

another woman that i spoke to who had not told her partner had a more unusual situation.  she is older than alicia by more than a decade.  her wedding is coming up in a few months; she and her partner had made a pledge of "celibacy" as she called it, engaging only in "outercourse" meaning sexual expression without penetration.  much to her astonishment, she is nevertheless pregnant!  because this couple has been using this method for years, they never dreamed that pregnancy could occur.  now that it has, shante fears that a pregnancy could create suspicion between her and her partner, could jeopardize her job and also could start their marriage off on the wrong foot.  both she and her fiance have very visible positions both in their community and also in their church.  she said that she longs for a child and hopes that god will understand that she felt abortion was the best for their future.  shante said that putting her fiance in a position where he had to help with the decision would be too painful for him and so she was sparing him the pain by deciding herself.  she sees her making the decision alone as an act of love for her fiance, sparing him also anguish in having to ask for god's forgiveness since he knows nothing about it. 

the third woman had also decided that it would not be wise for her to tell her partner because he would want her to continue the pregnancy and she feels that he is not a good parent.  he has a child from a previous relationship that he is not very involved with and this woman, whom i am naming tammy, already has four children from a marriage that went bad.  she is trying her best to raise them alone but says she can barely handle it.  they are very young, very close in age with the oldest not yet in school.  her religion has taught her that abortion is a sin, but she says that she feels it would be more of a sin to have another child that she cannot care for.  she says that there are many days when there is not enough food in the house and she cannot find a job that will pay her enough to cover the cost of daycare for four.  so, for now, she is unemployed.  she had been on the pill and just got her prescription re-filled but did not ever start them because her peiod never came.  she wonders if she will go to hell for choosing abortion, but said she would risk going to hell after her death rather than put her children at risk now.  when i hear women talking about their love of their children being the principle reason for the abortion, i always think that this is a part of women's stories that the public never gets to hear.  but then, there are so many erroneous ideas that folks have about who has abortion and why. 

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i am pasting on to this entry an article i just read this morning.  it addresses some of the same themes that my blogging partner and i have written about before  you may, for example, find it interesting that most women who have abortions already have children.  read on to learn more.

lou

Defying stereotypes on abortion

Susan Reimer (Baltimore Sun)

June 25, 2006

You might be surprised to learn that the young woman seeking an abortion in the United States today is not somebody's careless teenage daughter.

She is a mom.

She is in her 20s, she's attended college, she earns a manageable living and she is either living with the father or in a long-term relationship with him.

And she already has a child.

This is the profile that emerges from the work of Brookings Institution economics scholar Melissa Kearney, who drew on abortion statistics collected by the Alan Guttmacher Institute.

And it contradicts a lot of assumptions out there about the woman who seeks an abortion.

"Most women who are having abortions are already mothers, as opposed to women who don't want to be mothers," said Kearney, who has a doctorate in economics from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "That was the biggest surprise to me.

"I also think it is surprising that a woman who has already given birth would find herself back in this position," she said.

While teens and minorities are most likely to terminate pregnancies, it is educated women in their 20s who are actually having most abortions.

And while abortion rates have been decreasing for all women - and especially teens - there have been only small declines in the rates for women in their 20s.

There were 1.3 million abortions in 2000, the most recent year for which detailed abortion data are available, Kearney reported. That is one abortion for every three births.

But less than 20 percent were to teenagers, while 70 percent were to women in their 20s and early 30s. Eighty percent of abortions were to unmarried women, but only 25 percent were to women living in poverty.

So the commonly accepted profile of a woman having an abortion is very far off the mark.

She is not a careless adolescent. She is almost as likely to be white (41 percent) as she is to be a member of a minority.

And she is not what used to be thought of - before the end of welfare - as a welfare mother: uneducated, unemployed, unattached and with a passel of kids.

What is most troubling in Kearney's report is that half of abortions are to women who have already had an abortion, and 60 percent of abortions are to women who already have one child.

Though they make the decision not to give birth to another child - perhaps because they have gotten their lives on track with education, a job and a long-term relationship - they don't take the necessary steps to prevent pregnancy.

Her analysis of the statistics makes Kearney suspect that these women view abortion as a responsible choice, given their circumstances.

"The idea that abortion is driven by carelessness or a careless approach to life is not necessarily true," said Kearney.

"It is not an abdication of personal responsibility. Many of these women believe that this is the responsible choice. They are doing what they think is best for themselves and their families."

What is not so clear is this: These women are not teenagers who might still be trying to figure out where babies come from.

These are women who have already had a child, an abortion or both. That's what Kearney finds frustrating.

"It is hard to understand why these women weren't more responsible in the sense of finding themselves here again," Kearney said.

If we want to reduce the aggregate number of abortions in this country - and nobody argues with that goal - then perhaps it isn't teens or minorities or women in poverty that we should be trying to reach.

Maybe it is the young mother next door.

sending her home 3

This "sending her home" phenomena is one of the hardest we have to deal with and we have written about it here before. It is a judgment call to some extent and we never want to create another barrier for women seeking abortion services. When I talk to a woman that is ambivalent she usually comes to see that she is not quite ready, or that there is some unfinished business that would be better dealt with before something that cannot be undone like an abortion is done. I assure you we don't suugest that people re-schedule often; sometimes it is a deciding point for a woman. I had a young woman just yesterday like that. She was saying contradictory things like "I really want this baby." and "I loathe being pregnant." So I encouraged her to take more time if she needed it to be sure. She thought a minute and then straightened up and said, "I'm staying." It may be like flipping a coin and when the opposite of what you want comes up, you realize what you really wanted.

I think when you have talked to women--not that many fortunately-- who return to say, "if someone there had just said, 'are you sure?'" you really want to be cautious about women who just want to "get it over with because I might change my mind" or "I can't come back here again." Decisions made out of desperation really are not optimal. The bottom line is that we are not moral arbiters but we do need to pay attention to both physical and emotional health. If someone persists in "wanting it but dealing with the emotions later" I go over coping strategies very carefully, and detail all that we know about poor outcomes post abortion. Particularly if the abortion is a secret or major players have not weighed in (and this is a source of anxiety for the woman), or if the people around her are in opposition, you could expect some problems down the line.

And unlike other health care, the problems will come back on our door, not just individually but collectively. Has anyone ever stopped to wonder why 1.3 million women every year since 1973 have had abortions and yet we are on the verge of losing legal abortion? I believe that this is one of the issues that have clouded people's commitment to legal abortion. If they feel ambivalent or cannot sort out the situation that caused them to have an abortion, or feel emotionally troubled, it is not only a poor emotional outcome for many women, it is also a political nightmare.

I have experienced some incredible transformations with women who took more time after talking with us. I have learned, like lou, to trust my gut, and to share what I know with the women I talk to. The other piece is that we care about what we do too. It is our signature on the consent form that assures the doctor that she has resolved her ambivalence and is ready for the abortion. If we abdicate this thorny question and don't offer our best information and advice then we really are working at a mill.
--bon

sending her home 2

the woman (angela) from another country that i sent home called a few days later and said that she felt that she had worked through her concerns with her boyfriend who lives in her home country.  angela made a new appointment, then further reported that she felt that the right decision was for her to have the abortion because they were not ready for parenting, completing her education was her primary concern and that talking to him made her clearer.  when she called she had asked for me so i made the appointment myself and we had an opportunity to review her previous concerrns, but  she assured me that she now felt resolved.

the appointment was for yesterday.  she did not show up, but called to today to tell me that the longer she sat with the decision the worse she felt about it.  she said that she and her boyfiriend have had more opportunities to talk.  one of the reasons that i had felt it best to send her home initially is that angela was and is in a committed long term relationship.  yet, she had made her initial decision so quickly that they had not as a couple really talked things through because she did not want to "bother or upset" him while he was completing his oral exams for his dissertation.  the mutuality was, in my opinon, lacking.  now, not all women are in a relationship that functions on that plane, true mutuality, but when they do, it is, in my experience, important that the two of them work through the decision.  i have also seen many times a woman changing her mind a number of times.  since abortion decisions are made with both the head and the heart, it can look one way from the head and another from the heart.  what may look to others as "flip flopping" can be sometimes be a classic "head vs heart" battle.  in angela's situation, i think her original decision was made in her head, without "consulting" her heart.  when she did, and because both her family and her boyfriend were supportive of her continuing the pregnancy, the decision looked different.

i do not know if her decision is final or not.  she may continue thinking and talking.  it is ever so difficult having your boyfriend halfway across the world when trying to decide  what is truly a major life decision.  i hear her words, know her struggle, understand her belief system and her conflicted personal goals.  i don't know what she will ultimately choose.  but only she can decide.  all i can do is listen.

lou

sending her home

the other day i talked to a woman who was determined to have an abortion that very day.  our state has a mandatory delay built in so she had already waited a certain number of hours, had to hear a speech read to her by a doctor, but she was in a big hurry to just get it over with.  those words "just get it over with" always make me a little cautious with patients because sometimes it means that they have thought it over very carefully before arriving at the clinic and talked to the people who they think can help them make a wise decision.   but sometimes it just means that they don't want to think about it, just do it.  it is part of my responsibility as a counselor to determine which it is for any woman i happen to be talking to so that women do not end up regretting their choice.  in this woman's case, i was very reluctant to be the one to sign off on her because i felt that she was moving too quickly. 

she is a graduate student in my city, is 27, getting her PhD and then going back to her own country to join her boyfriend.  this woman, whom i'll call angela, lives with a roommate from her country who is very religious and although she claimed to support angela no matter what she chose, did have a clear preference that angela continue the pregnancy.  angela, though, was clear.  she kept saying that she did not want to continue the pregnancy, felt that she had a responsibility to herself to complete her studies so that she might find a job in her country that would allow her to find employment in her country.  her mother and boyfriend both wanted her to come home immediately and get married.

because angela was not even one week late on her period, i did talk her into going home telling her that she could return in a week after she had talked more to her boyfriend so that she would be sure that abortion was what she feels is best.  i do not know what she will ultimately choose.  but i do know that sending her home was the right thing on that day.  for someone so far from home, without enough time to talk to her loved ones, acting too quickly might result in her regretting her choice.  by taking her time, i feel that whatever she chooses, it will be the right decision.

Clarity

After you are done talking to a woman, which as you know if you're a frequent reader of this blog, can be pretty profound, you have to write up a counseling note, which is usually quite a bland affair. I invariably start out, "So and so is clear about her decision and...." and that is true as far as it goes for most women. But this woman, I will call Anjie, was clarity personified. She said, "There are women in the waiting room crying. Am I a monster because I am not?" There are some people who are guilty for not feeling guilty but I hadn't really talked to one of them recently.

I think there are a few things going on here: Anjie was very focused on her goals in life--she was finishing college and had already gotten a placement doing meaningful work. She loved her boyfriend but she didn't necessarily see herself with him far into the future. And she had never experienced pregnancy. I do see a difference in recent moms who are entranced by the joys of motherhood. (Older moms have a different take on it-- a sort of "yes, but..." attitude.)

But what made Anjie really unique was that she was conscious that there were strong forces that were trying to make her feel bad. She was actively rejecting the slogans and conventional wisdom of the anti-abortion folks that have seeped into our cultural consciousness.

The other amazing thing is that she said, "I am the last in my crowd to have an abortion. Now it is 100%." Many of you will see this as a sign of depravity among college students. But the remarkable thing is that all those friends had been open about their experience and were willing to share their experience to help out a friend. She felt taken care of, connected, and what I can only describe as NORMAL. This is amazing for how rare it is. But the truth is that abortion, like having a baby, losing a parent, having sex for the first time, getting married, etc. is a rite of passage. Not everyone will do all of those things, but it is one of the milestones in life that people go through so why not talk about it openly? We are all in agreement that it is better to prevent a pregnancy, but when that fails, having some honest friends is a really good thing.
--Bon

hope for the future

folks who read these entries can't help but think of the sadness that the women are experiencing as they come for their abortions.  it's true.  abortion is often sad.  but what the readers are missing is that abortion is also a vote for the future.  so there is often an air of optimism at the same time in counseling sessions. a woman that i spoke with today talked about how she knew she had to sacrifice the child within her so that her other two children could live.  that sounds rather drastic, but is it how many women view their choice.  this particular woman, i'll call her shamika, has had a very tough life.  at birth she went to live with her grandparents because her mom was, as she put it, "a crackhead".  shamika lived there until grandma died and then her mother came to get her at age 13.  life suddenly got worse.  i will spare you the details, but trust me when i say that she had to leave and live on her own, boarding with whoever would have her.  luckily she managed to get a GED while also having her own two kids.

shamika's goal right now is to get certified in the field she is studying because then she will be able to support her kids, something that no one in her family has ever been able to do.  her own experiences have led her to believe that "everyone has a hard life" since that is all she knows.  no one has a smooth, easy life in her world.  she loves her kids and feels that because she remembers grandma's love for her, she knows what love is and conveying that feeling to her kids is what she lives for.  she said, "let's face it.  i do not want to have an abortion.  but who is going to adopt a black child?  i do not want my child living in foster homes and having who knows what done to it."  she said that those who have lived in foster care know how awful it can be.  and so, she told me, she decided to sacrifice the never born child so that her other two kids can live.  her presentation of her story was very stark, but she said that no one who hasn't lived her life can judge her.

shamika confided that she felt a great war going on inside her, the war between her head and her heart.  she said that her heart was begging for the baby to be born, but her her head told her that she and her kids could end up homeless since their lives are very precarious.  now, it's true that this is a very sad story.  but, if you were there with her in that counseling room, you would have also seen that she is an optimist.  she believes that things will be better when she completes her program and gets her job.  she is very determined and very dedicated to her goal, that of creating a better life for her kids.  her partner has actually been with her since she was 14, more than a third of  her life, but she says she cannot depend on him. the only thing that keeps him there is his love of the girls and despite the fact that he is not the greatest partner, he is a great dad.  allowing him to stay is a part of what she has chosen so that her girls will have all the possible love they can get.

so shamika talked of how she was talking to god, hoping that he would understand that she lived her life not for herself, but for her girls, and that her sacrifice of their sibling would allow the three of them to stay together, to keep working toward their goals.  i left the session filled with the same hope for her future that she had.  she made me believe that she will be able to move her life forward, one day at a time.

lou