abortionclinicdays

Annie's story

Last week, Annie appeared at our door without an appointment, begging the guard to let her in.  After much discussion with the guard, and a counselor coming to the door to learn more, Annie was admitted for a counseling session and sonogram.  Annie told us she was 18 weeks pregnant, needed to have an abortion immediately, but had only a few dollars.  At 18 weeks, the cost for an abortion is more than $1000, is a 3 day process, and our state law requires a mandatory 24 hour delay.

I sat down with Annie to hear more of her story.  She told me that she did not want to be pregnant, that her boyfriend had thrown her out, she had nowhere to live and did not earn enough to even pay her rent and utilities.  So we set her up to have a sonogram to determine exactly how far into her pregnancy Annie really was.  The sono revealed that she was exactly as she said, 18 weeks, meaning that we had only one week to complete the process according to the protocols of our particular facility.  Annie told me that she wanted an abortion more than anything in her life, that she was the only person in her whole family who was not addicted to drugs and she wanted to make something of her life.  She said she was determined that she would not be like them.  She stated that no one in her family had ever had a job, no one had ever even gotten a driver's license and she wanted a different life. She had plans and had been dreaming of a different life for the past 8 years.  In fact, as she entered the clinic she immediately asked, "Do you have that five year birth control?"  I assured her that we did indeed have Mirena, that she could have it at her check up appointment and we'd take care of the necessary paperwork in the meantime.  "And", she asked, "is is possible to get a second one put in after the first five years, because I figure it will take me 10 years to get a degree, get my life on track and have a good enough job to have a baby."  Again, I assured her that she could get another Mirena inserted after the first one plus there is a 10 year IUD that we could talk about.

While Annie and I were talking, getting her medical history, and getting her consent forms signed, two other staff persons were working to find funding for her abortion since she did not even have enough money to feed herself, let alone pay for the abortion, not so uncommon these days.  By the time she left the clinic, just about everything was in place for her to return the following day for the first steps of her abortion.  Before I left for home, I thanked everyone who had worked so hard to get all that Annie needed with so little lead time.

When I arrived the next morning, the first thing I asked was, "Where's Annie?"  "Oh," another counselor reported, "Annie called and canceled.  She said that when she called her mom to tell her that she was having an abortion, her mom told her she'd never speak to her again if she had the abortion."  I was shocked.  Annie had seemed so sure, so convinced that she wanted her life to take a different path than her family.

Concerned, I called her later in the day.  "Annie", I said, "how are you?"  "Oh, Miss Lu", she said, "when my mom told me she'd try to get off crack if I had the baby and that she would never speak to me again if I had an abortion, I just had to change my mind.  Maybe this baby will help my mom to get clean. I hope you're not mad at me."  I assured her that we understood, that she was choosing what she thought was best for her.  I wished her health, happiness and success.  And I meant it.

Lu

I can't believe it happened to me!

No woman ever imagines that she will someday need an abortion.  Either because she is consistantly using birth control, or because she has a history of infertility, or because she has not gotten pregnant despite using no birth control in the past, or because her knowledge of how conception occurs is faulty, but one way or another, no one ever seems to think unintended pregnancy will happen to her.  But, of course, it does happen.  In fact, 50% of US pregnancies are unintended. 

As a counselor, I talk to many women who have chosen abortion but are still shocked that they got pregnant.  Even those using no birth control sometimes cannot believe that they are indeed pregnant. Diane was one of those women who first tried to deny to herself that she was pregnant, then hoped that her period would somehow come even though she had by then taken numerous pregnancy tests confirming the pregnancy.  Eventually, she acknowledged that she was pregnant, and decided to have the baby and put it up for adoption.  As time went on, though, she began to have doubts that she could actually go through with the adoption, and knew that she had no resources that would allow her to raise a child responsibly.  Which brings us to the point where I spoke with her.  Diane described how and why she had made the decision to have an abortion.  She described herself as "sure of her choice" but still feeling sad and lost.  "Sad" I understood but I wanted her to tell me what she meant by "lost".  Diane said that she felt adrift, was finding it difficult to reconcile her past thoughts about abortion with what she had chosen.  She said that she "never believed in abortion" yet here she was.  Eventually, as she continued to explore exactly what she was feeling, she concluded that what was lost was her own innocence.  Diane stated that life was simpler when it seemed black and white.  She concluded that she was not so much sad about having an abortion, but rather sad because never again could she imagine herself living in childlike innocence that abortion is always wrong and having the baby always right.

Many of us who have never had to face unintended pregnancy can still relate to Diane's situation.  For most of us, whether at age 18 or age 35, at some point each of us will find ourselves having to accept that life is not as simple as we would wish, that difficult choices do have to be made, but also that we can allow the sadness, accept that life is not always as we'd wish, but then move on to healing.

Lu

ps While we are sympathetic to those of you having problems with our spam blocker, we cannot seem to set it to keep out the porn spam and yet allow all of you to comment.  Sorry

homeless

Being on the front lines as we are, and talking to real women every day, counselors get to meet with and hear the stories of women and families who have been directly affected by the mortgage crisis, the closing of businesses and factories, the downturn in the economy. For them, these are not just stories in the news.  Historically, one of the major reasons women give for choosing an abortion is financial insecurity.  Now, more than ever in my many years of doing this work, I am talking to women who are essentially homeless.  I mean women who are actually living in shelters alone or with their children, or women who stay with friends a few weeks here, a few days there, hoping that they can find a job that will allow them to move out on their own before they, too, are forced into the shelters or the streets.

Myra, whom I remember from last month, was staying temporarily with her sister, but could not remain there much longer because there was no room for her.  Her boyfriend was sleeping on a friend's couch but that too could only be for a short while longer.  Her children were boarded out with family members.  Little more than sixty days earlier, her boyfriend had a good job and they rented a nice house.  When his employer suddenly closed the business, in very short order they lost their house, then their car.  Although they were both looking for work when she came for her abortion, they had not been able to find anything that would pay enough for them to again cover rent, utilities and support their kids.  Needless to say, abortion was her only option.

There have been several other similar stories in just a few months time.  Yesterday I saw a woman who lost not only her house but her kids when her husband was murdered.  She went into shock and then became so depressed her children were put into foster care.  She is again on track, but still living in a shelter.  Having found a responsible job, and now able to fend in the world again, she is on the verge of getting into an apartment, which will allow her to get her kids back.  But if she had another baby right now, she said she feared that she might not get her other kids out of "the system".  That had to be her priority, she said.

Another woman, Linda,  who lives in a rural county said that the only employer who had jobs for college educated people had recently lost their grant to operate so she had been out of work for nearly six months, is in the middle of a divorce, and cannot even sell her house because there are no buyers in her area since there is nothing to attract people to move into the area.  So although she had never imagined herself choosing abortion in the past, suddenly saw no way out since her own future is so unclear.

Our experiences with women make the stories from the newspapers and tv so much more real.  We can see how frightening it is for women to not be able to care for their kids because of economic factors.  It tears them apart, they worry every day about those kids, miss them and plot how to get them back living under the same roof.  But as the number of foreclosures increases, sadly I expect that we will see ever more women who have exhausted their welcome with friends and family and who are forced to live in the shelters.  The only option for them is abortion.

Louisa, whom I spoke with recently, told me that she works two full time jobs in order to be able to pay her rent, utilities and car payment.  She said she was looking to move to a less expensive apartment because even with the two jobs, she was just barely making ends meet.  Louisa was very sad and weepy as she told me how she would love to have a baby and wondered if the time would ever be right financially.  Her boy friend does not make enough money to live on his own so he still lives with his mom whom he helps to support.  None of them has enough room for anyone else; none makes enough to live differently and none sees any hope for things to be different.

Lest you think that all of our work is sad and depressing, it is not so!  A sizable number of women who choose abortion are actually hopeful that the future will be better for them.  They are going to school, have just gotten a promotion or are content with the family they now have.  While there may be some sadness for them, they still see life getting better.  But I want to point out to readers what may be a mini-trend in our patients' lives, so I am calling it out.  Telling their stories to us, the women we see are not just statistics.  They are real!

lu

I just kept talking and talking......

Sometimes the safety and privacy of a counseling room presents women with the opportunity to talk about things that they rarely discuss in medical settings. Whether due to lack of time, lack of trained staff or a perspective that emotional or psychological well-being are just “not a part of gynecological  or obstetrical healthcare,” it's rare for women to have the opportunity to reflect on their sexual and reproductive lives with their medical providers.  Recently, I've had the some amazing conversations with women that have led me to think about resiliency and survival in our sexual/reproductive lives.

Rayanna was quiet and almost bashful when I asked her questions about how she had come to choose to have her abortion with us today. She had given birth six times, indicating that three of the children did not live with her currently. She and her partner were caring for three of the youngest children. She was taking good care of these three, she explained, but any more, that would push them beyond their financial and emotional means. “I'm slowing it all down,” she said, 'seven pregnancies—that's too many.”  Her current pregnancy was a result of a failed tubal ligation surgery.  Complication with surgical sterilization are rare, but they do happen and sometimes you just don't know the surgery's failed until you find yourself pregnant.

Rayanna had indicated that her family did not support her having the abortion and I asked her about their relationship. “Most of them are in Mississippi,” she answered, “so I don't have to see them that often.” Her mother, however, figured large in her pregnancy history. “She does think that I'm going to hell for this,” she answered, “but I have a hard time hearing that from her. Back in Mississippi where I grew up, you know in small towns—in my family—there was a lot of incest there. Everyone just made like that was what happens. Like you go to hell for having an abortion, but not for what she's done” (referring to her mother).  Rayanna went on to describe her extended family and how the uncles were given free reign over younger female family members. “It happened to so many of us, it was almost like it wasn't any big thing. No one talked about it and when I told my mom what was happening, she didn't do anything, didn't stop it.”

As a result of the incest, Rayanna had been sexually active for most of her life—but not on her own terms, not with her consent. When Rayanna became a teenager, she said she longed for affection and attention.  But, not yet understanding how to get what she needed,  she became sexually active with partners she described as “no good, beating on me, cheating on me and never there when I needed them.”  She got pregnant twice as a teen and her mother forbid her to have an abortion. Bewildered, she went along with this and the two infants were adopted by a relative. A third pregnancy two years later came as a result of a rape. Again, her mother forbid her to have an abortion and the child was adopted by a family friend. She had borne three children by the age of 20—again, not on her own terms.

When Rayanna moved away from home, she met her current partner. “It was like moving from the projects to Beverly Hills,” she explained, describing their relationship, and they had three children together. All her other children had been boys; this time she had two daughters. Something happened to her, she said, when the girls were born. She could recognize herself in them and before she knew it, she started talking about the abuse. “I just started talking and talking,” she said, “and no one could shut me up. I talked to my mother about what it felt like when she didn't listen to me. I talked to my relatives  about what happened to me. I made sure everyone knew what those uncles had done and that all the children were aware.” This was not received well by older family members, she said, who were angry with her for stirring up “old trouble.” “Why would they think it would just stop?” she said, “They think because they're old men now that's gonna stop them? You do it to one child, you're gonna do it to another.”

Rayanna brought it into the light. Generations of incest, silence and abuse ended that day. Her children would be safe—she would see to that.  It meant sacrificing her relationship with her extended family and straining her relationship with her mother, but it was a worthy price to pay.  I didn't know what to say, other than to thank Rayanna for what she had done. “I feel like I'm sitting here with a woman of such amazing strength,” I said. “Do you realize what a big deal it was for you to speak up about that? You did it, you're keeping your family safe.”  It was a hard road, but she was staking claim to her life, her safety, her sexuality, her fertility--this time on her terms.

“I'm slowing it down,” she said. “I had three babies born and given away before I was even sure what babies were good for. Maybe if my mother had listened to me when I tried to tell her about the abuse the first time and gotten me some help, maybe then I wouldn't have needed to have all those boyfriends who treated me bad.  Maybe I wouldn't have got pregnant and maybe no rape.  But that was then. I talk about it all now and no one's going to do that to my kids.  It took years of counseling to understand what all happened and now, I'm slowing it all down. I've got my three kids and we're working on communicating better and better and I just can't handle any more kids today. That's why I'm here. I'm slowing it all back down.”

Nell

Note:  Nell (not her real name) has graciously accepted our invitation to join us on abortionclinicdays.com.   We are thrilled and honored to have her authentic voice and wisdom.

Does God know what's in your heart?

From a guest blogger:

One of the things that surprised me most when I came to work at the clinic was the level of spiritual resolution that many patients have already achieved prior to walking in the door. I expected my work with women to include a dimension of spiritual counseling. I expected the Christian women I spoke with would utilize the same black and white absolutes that they hear from the pulpit. I expected an angry Old Testament God offering punishment, women feeling cut off or cast out of God's light.

Overwhelmingly, what I found, instead was that most women had already gone to God, prayed upon their decision and felt a sense of resolution and right action. Despite whatever their religious leadership preach about abortion or sex, most of the women I counsel have found a very personal connection to God in their journey through thier pregnancy. They have gone to Him for counsel and find His love to be a sense of comfort. It's not “what does your church teach you about abortion,” that I ask women now, it's “does He know what's in your heart?”

No one typified this more than Marnie, who came into the clinic for a non-surgical abortion. She was in her thirties with three children, the adult daughter of a minister. With the support of her family, friends and therapist, she was finally moving towards separation from an abusive husband. She was trying desperately to protect herself from this man, while respecting her children's need to maintain some contact with their father. He was not abusive towards the children, she explained, but they were witness to his behavior towards her. “A man like that,” she said quietly and with conviction, “should not have any more children.”  This was how she knew that abortion was the morally right decision for her. She was doing the best with the situation she had around her, but God would not forgive her for subjecting another child to chaos and cruelty.

I asked her about growing up as a minister's kid. “When I think about church,” she said, “I think about my family, how it was a special time. I think of my dad's aftershave and getting dressed up in my best clothes. I think about the music, my mom's singing, and the big meal we'd have afterwards. Those feelings, that's what really sticks with me.” My eyes welled up listening to her. It was the love and the comfort that made an impression, preparing her best self to stand before God, to join and praise. “My mother is in the waiting room,” she said, “and this has been really hard for her, but she understands. I've had such amazing support. The man outside offered me a rosary. I told him I had already made up my mind and didn't want to talk to him, but that I could use all the prayer I could get.” 

Marnie had chosen to have a medical abortion and we discussed what that would feel like for her. “It is very important for me to take responsibility for this,” she said, “and do it myself.” She had had a prior miscarriage and felt confident that she could work through the cramping and bleeding as the pregnancy passed. This was going to be private, sacred time, she explained. She had prepared her bedroom at home, bought a new bible and had selected some scripture that she felt spoke to her situation. “I need this to be respectful,” she said, “Me and the baby are going to work through this together.” I offered some scripture I share with women about God's all-encompassing love and we hugged as she was leaving. I told her that I'd be thinking of her and thanked her for letting us care for her. The level of peace and confidence she displayed were so moving. I'm still thinking of her.

Lost

On our patient chart, as on many other abortion providers' chart, women are asked to circle all the words that describe how they are feeling.  At least thirty adjectives are on that list and women circle many or few.  Both "happy" and "sad" appear, as do "confused" and "certain"; "relieved", "strong", "scared", "peaceful", "guilty" and many more.  As a counselor, I ask women to tell me what the words that they have circled mean to them.  One word that is rarely circled, and therefore of great potential importance, is the word "lost".  It may mean to the woman that she feels lost because her partner abandoned her when he found out she was pregnant, or lost because she fears being estranged from God, or lost because she thought she was opposed to abortion but finds herself having chosen it nevertheless. She may even feel loss of her identity as mother even though she is likely to be choosing abortion specifically for those other children.

These threads are crucial for a counselor to follow, sometimes because the woman needs help in finding a pathway to support, forgiveness, or simply back to her own sense of self.  Sometimes she just needs a place to sort out her feelings in an environment that is non-judgmental.  This past week I counseled a woman whom I'll call LaTisha, aged 37.  Her description of what "lost" meant to her had more to do with denial of her husband's drug addiction, lying, stealing.  They had just had a baby this summer and that, combined with what she described as constant personal chaos as well as chaos in the home, having to go back to work almost immediately after the baby was born to cover her husband's car crashes, money thefts, had left her in a state of just mopping up one disaster after another.  Becoming pregnant again so soon made her realize that she was ruining her life and  possibly her child's too by trying to make the marriage work.  In the process, LaTisha said, she had lost herself and was losing sight of her goals. 

Life, she said, was "happening to her" rather than being under her control.  Her time and energy were usurped by trying to find out the truth (was he using or not using drugs, did he or did he not steal the money, the jewelry).  Between that and caring for her newborn and working, she said that she herself barely existed.  Because she was not paying attention to herself, she said, she sometimes missed her birth control pills, made mistakes at work and was generally not taking care of herself.  But suddenly, when she found herself pregnant again so soon after delivery, she had to stop and think about where she was, where she wanted to be, and what needed to be done.  She said that once she sat and thought about all she had been through and how caught up she was in trying to deny to herself the severity of their problems, she realized that all that she had worked for could come crashing down on her.  She could lose her home, her job, or the support of her family who had been telling her what they heard on the street about her husband.  Eventually she decided to have the abortion on Saturday and tell him to leave on Sunday. 

I commented on how calm, how at peace, she seemed as she was telling me this story.  Ah, she said, that's because I am no longer lost.  I have found myself again.

lu

Anger Management

I apologize to readers who have worried about us, who have wondered if something happened to us.  We're both ok and just needed to take care of our kids, our parents, our staff, our patients and sometimes that does not leave time to write.  I do, however, try to keep in mind that our readers do want to hear from us when we are able to post.  Working at the clinic, the women's stories are there every day and I wish I could share more of them with you.  There are also other online writings that I would like to share with you.  For example, if you are not aware of RHreality.org, do check it out.  There's a piece in response to an alternet posting on men and abortion, which is a topic that I would like to write about here some day.  Most of the men I meet at the clinic are supportive, want to help, and have been involved in the decision making.  So we try our best to honor our patients' requests to have their partners as involved as possible each step of the way.

I want to tell you about a young woman I saw today. She had been to the clinic last week but because her mother had not completed state requirements, they were re-scheduled.  Another counselor first began talking to this 16 year old but felt that they were not going to make a connection because of what seemed to be anger coming from the young woman's words, body posture and general attitude.  When the counselor asked me to start over with the young woman I immediately agreed because I enjoy talking to teens.  Many of them come into the clinic feeling as though nobody is listening to them, their feelings, their fears, their dreams.  So I just listen.  And that is exactly what I did today.  This woman, whom I'll call Jody, was exhibiting fierce anger so that is where we started.  I asked her if she was angry and she said, "I'm always angry.  I've been in anger management groups, schools, classes since I was a little kid and now I have my own therapist because I"m still angry".  So I asked her if she was mad at us, mad at her mom, mad in general or was mad because she was having an abortion or what.  She pretty much said she was mad at everyone including us because we were "taking too long" and she "just wanted to get it over with".  I apologized to her but told her that we could not move quickly on something so important.  As I told her, this is a big deal and we do not want to make a mistake.  We need to be sure that you are choosing abortion of your own free will.  I take my job very seriously.  I do not want to send you or anyone else back to surgery if there is any chance that you will wake up tomorrow and say, "Oh my God, I made a mistake".  This is too big a deal to "just get it over with".  I then asked Jody to help me out, to help me to know what she really wanted, what was just her usual anger and what was any uncertainty about going forward.  Eventually Jody began to see that I was serious about finding out more about her, whom she had in her life that she could really talk to, who really listened to her.  She does have a sister whom she trusts but says that most other people in her life have let her down, abandoned her or betrayed her.

As we continued talking, I began to believe that she was indeed telling me that abortion was her own choice.  She just did not know how to handle strong feelings without the anger to cover up her fears, her concerns about the baby.  So I answered all of her questions.  All of a sudden, I could see a change in her posture and her demeanor.  Jody started telling me that she wanted to learn to manage her anger better because she wanted to be a nurse practitioner!  She wanted to help people get well (just as she wanted to get well).  So I   accepted her request to have the abortion and we shook hands on it.  Later, I told her to  call me when she has a day off school and I would invite her to see what a nurse practitioner really does.  We would permit her to take a pledge of confidentiality and shadow the NP for a few hours.  I felt that we had made as good a contact as we could make that morning, but I realize that Jody has a long way to go on her "anger management".

Lou

Post-it

The Post-it said, "AT-TI-TUDE" all caps. The young woman was  in traditional Muslim dress, African-American, and bristling with...with something. I guessed that it was my job to find out what.

It turned out to be not so different from many women who feel like they are caught in a trap of their own making. She got pregnant, then "did the right thing and married at age 16, to a man she did not love. She had 2 more children with him, still didn't love him, but clearly did not wish him pain either. She had fallen in love with another, someone outside her culture. She knew it could never work. It was a mess, but a compelling mess.

Her self contempt, her anger at her situation and everyone around her, seemed to spring from the great divide between what she wanted and what she knew was right. Her religion guided her in everything--it was her rock. She accepted the finality of it, as a guilty person accepts a punishment.

"It's against my religion," she said defeatedly as though there could be no further discussion. I said, "Well, it may not be as clear as that. Muslims believe that the soul enters the baby at 120 days--about 16 weeks. You are about 5 weeks." Then I pulled out the Pregnancy Options Workbook (www.pregnancyoptions.info) and read her the section about Islam and abortion. It does not offer a free pass, by any means, but it does put Mohammed's proscription about killing your children in some historical context. He decried the killing of female infants, a widespread practice in his time. It also listed the acceptable reasons for abortion. It talked about atonement.

When I read the part about atonement meaning fasting for two months, an invisible veil fell from her face and there was a beautiful look of hope radiating out. "I can do that," she said. This launched us into a wonderful discussion about forgiveness, compassion, the condition of women, and other topics.

I confess that sometimes I find Muslim women unapproachable, even American Muslims. I am sure their wariness is justified, particularly in these times. There was no such feeling with this woman. We talked about life, love, sex, kids, books, culture, and of course, religion. She said, "I was raised Muslim but I know that if I lived in a Muslim country I would be stoned. How does that help you get better or learn?"

One of my favorite factoids in talking about religion is that in the original Hebrew, the word "sin" means "missing the mark" not being stoned to death. She liked it too.

--Bon

PS: I want to address the inevitable comment that I somehow made her feel "OK" about abortion, or encouraged her to have one. It was clear to me that she would have one no matter what. What I offered was a way that she could "be" with it that did not further cripple her life and the beautiful contribution she could make to life.

PPS: My apologies for being MIA on this blog. It's moving work, but there isn't always time, or the will to find time, to step back and write about it.

not for the wimps

what a week it has been!  a number of the counselors i work with and i, too, have had some really challenging cases to deal with.  in the process, though, we learned a lot.  even though we do this work all day long, every day, and some of us have been counseling for many years, our hearts are still so strongly in our work.  on thursday, one counselor, we'll call her ruth, was talking to a young african woman who was still in a state of great pain.  she felt that her choices were having the baby and bringing shame to her family, indeed her whole village, because she had let them down by becoming pregnant after being sent to the US to study.  she is not the first african woman to express similar feelings.  the pressure to succeed and come back to aid their village are tremendous.  not many are offered the opportunity to go abroad and study.  the village desperately needs women like her to come back to help with the myriad of problems the villagers are facing.  so to return home pregnant, having wasted tribal money and yet have no degree, to bring shame and disgrace to her family that she let down the whole village is more than she (and others like her) can imagine.  suicide would also bring shame, but if it did not, that would have been her choice rather than to have an abortion.  but, in fact, abortion is what she ultimately chose after many hours of discussion and exploration of alternate options.  now she must figure out how to forgive herself and also how to ever get god's forgiveness (according to her belief system).  we are working to get her appropriate spiritual and cultural referrals to help her with this.

today a woman who drove more than two hours to have her abortion came to the clinic, also on the verge of suicide.  in her case, it was not because of the abortion but rather because her husband of over ten years just told her last week that he has been seeing someone else for two years and that woman is pregnant also. he is moving in with the other woman, leaving his three children that she and he had together.  she has struggled with drug problems and hopes that this does not throw her into another round of using which will be destructive for both her and her kids and could cost her her job.  she recognizes the signs, and fears her own weakness.  her counselor at the clinic worked with her for hours to set up a contract that the woman would not try to hurt or destroy herself and would connect with the therapist she had worked with in the past.  we'll check in with her too this week.

a third patient is fighting for custody of her three kids.  she recently had a preliminary hearing in which she and her attorney assumed that the case would be dismissed since the ex-husband has a criminal record, an alcohol problem and had not been the best dad when they were married.  but the judge is allowing the battle to continue.  this woman, cindy, said that she is now so scared that her ex can outfight her because she does not have the money for an extended legal battle and so is tempted to continue this pregnancy (conceived through a birth control failure) so she'd at least have one child with her.   but she fears the pregnancy could also cause the judge to rule against her.  another tough choice.

the ability to work with women in crisis, to allow them to voice their fears, grief, and weaknesses is a true gift.  not every one could do what we do.  and i say that not to brag about what we do, but rather in humility that we were given this ability to "walk with women and men in their darkest hours".  we do not judge, we do not run away, we do not fear to hear the unspeakable.  this is the work we do.   some divine power has allowed us to be present in others' lives and bear their burdens for a bit, yet still  have our own lives, our own joys.  it can not have been an accident that we were granted this ability. 

of course there were many women over the course of the week who did not feel or suffer as the women above did.  i also talked to women who described themselves as strong, resolved and pretty much they just knew what needed to be done.  but isn't that the way of life?  not all folks experience the same circumstances in the same way. in order to be a counselor in an abortion clinic, of course one needs to be compassionate and non-judgmental.  but she or he must also be able to sit with the women no matter what pain they feel.  we have to be the ones who can just listen.  for it is then that the woman will hear her own true voice.  we cannot push her or try to influence her.  as with all of us, these women make the wisest decisions when they have ample time to think, evaluate and ponder without undue influence.  inexperienced counselors have the urge to jump in, help the patient to feel better immediately with little thought to the long run.  we also want her to feel better but we want her to feel that she has made the best choice after careful examination of her own life circumstances.  only she will know when and what that is.

lou

the wisdom of the body

every now and then, a woman in counseling will tell her story in words so compellingly true that i am spellbound.  it happened earlier this week when a woman i shall call glorietta began by telling me how her last baby was accidently born at home with little warning.  she stood up and felt the baby sliding down her leg.  she and her two other children were transfixed, did not utter a sound, even after their silence was broken by the newborn's wailing.  eventually the older child called 911 who sent paramedics to cut the cord and take mother and baby to the hospital. that baby is less than a year old. glorietta, aged 39, was outraged to find that her body was betraying her, she said, by getting pregnant again so soon.  anyhow, she said, she is just done with having babies;  she told me that she is tired, over the thrill of the miracle of pregnancy, just wanted this pregnancy out, and was not sharing her body with anyone, not her uterus, and, as she said, not her tits either.  she was just done, over it.  her body was having none of it! 

glorietta's wisdom of the body is as old as the human race.  women have always known when it is, or is not, a good time to bring forth new life through their bodies, and she had no doubt, did not have to think about it because her body was telling her.  in earliest recorded time, and certainly even before that, women ended pregnancies that should not be born, whether because of war, drought, famine, disease, or, of course, age.  there was a rightness to it because they were closer to the earth than the primarily urban dwellers that we are.  now the plants and herbs that women used for that purpose are lost to us since we relinquished our natural wisdom and "medicalized" pregnancy.

but for glorietta, the message was clear.  her words of summation to me were, "it's just like the leaves of a tree.  when it's time they just shed."