Holding the secret

Sheree came to the clinic alone and had noted on her chart that she had told no one about her pregnancy or her abortion. I'm always curious about women's reasons for keeping information private from their loved ones and asked her how she was handling the day. Sheree worked in insurance and had managed chronic pain all her life from a riding accident as a child. "I can't tell anyone, but not for the reasons you would think," she said, matter-of-factly.

"Here's what happened: My dad is dying, or at least he's probably dying. We all got together for an early holiday this fall because we weren't sure if he'd still be around. My dad and I were on the same pain medicine for a while, before things got worse for him. When I went home, I had forgotten mine. My mom remembered that we had the same prescription and said, 'I'll just go get some of your dad's old ones.' She handed me the pills, I took enough to make up my usual dose and then, several hours later, I was still in pain. When I looked in the cupboard for some more, I realized that she had grabbed the wrong bottle and given me the wrong medication--they looked exactly the same, those pills. I didn't think it was such a big deal until my period didn't come a few weeks later."

Sheree looked up the medication she had mistakenly taken and realized it posed a significant danger to fetuses. She called the drug manufacturer, who referred her to a physician and researched like crazy. Taking those pills may have caused serious birth defects if taken early in the pregnancy. "So now what do I do? If I tell my parents, they'll be crushed at what's happened. They'll feel like it's their fault. I can't put that guilt on them. This was a mistake, plain and simple. It would kill them--KILL THEM to know, especially with my dad being sick. If I tell my fiance, he'll be furious at them for the mistake. It would ruin their relationship--they're always a little testy with each other. If I continue the pregnancy and the baby us sick, everyone will want to know how it could have happened."

To tell this story would strain or destroy all the family relationships around her. "I need them right now, for when my dad passes. I need everyone getting along. This sucks--there's no other word for it. But I just need to keep it to myself right now." There were other events in the life of her family that Sheree needed to prepare for, both difficult and joyous--her dad's impending death, her upcoming wedding to her fiance. "I'll be okay," she promised, "this is just something I need to do for myself and my family, to keep us all intact right now." We made a plan for her to contact a neutral friend in another state if she was struggling--that felt private and secure enough for her--and she promised to call me if she was having a difficult time. "I really am feeling okay about this. Maybe someday I'll tell--just not today."

-Nell

Comments

[Elle]

Some medication just IS that potent, saltyC. Heard of thalidomide? Shame and guilt may have their place here too, but the birth defect concern is a valid one.

[saltyC]

Reading this story, it struck me that she IS holding a secret for the usual reasons. I can't see how three pills that early on would damage a fetus, I know many people who did serious drugs before realizing they were pregnant and the baby came out fine. Also, if there was something wrong with the child, why would she have to mention the switched pills? There's no way to know if that was the reason for a child being sick any
way. She is hiding for the usual reasons: sex and abortion hold a lot of shame and guilt, and we women are expected to carry that load on ourselves. We should be able to talk to our family in times of crisis and we can't. If the mistake didn't kill her, it won't kill her parents, and her fiancee should be able to deal with the situation, another price you're supposed to pay for the privilege of having sex. Who needs to deal with her father's death plus potential regret, shame over an abortion by yourself? Another example of our "culture of life" failing young women.

[roula]

Thank you for posting this. It's good to stay mindful of how personal and particular every woman's situation is. To me it's yet another example of how pat generalizations do a disservice to real women, and yet another reminder that in the work I do I need to let every woman tell her story without me mentally filling in the blanks.