Your abortion stories

Even though we do not typically respond within the comments section of this blog, Bon, Lu and I do read comments to see what readers have questions about and what kind of stories would be meaningful to our readers. I want to thank those of you who have written in with your own abortion stories. Nothing better illustrates the richness and complexity of a pregnancy decision than hearing from women who've been there. The women's positive abortion stories help us as counselors identify the qualities that help encourage resilience and healthy coping before and after an abortion.

We often share your stories with our own patients. Hearing that someone else has walked that path with strength and grace--and that they're not afraid to tell their story--our patients describe as the most precious gift they can receive from the women in their community. The abortion stories women provide that describe isolation, suffering or painful rumination--those teach us something too. We should be listening to these women to understand the qualities that contribute to their suffering so that no woman has to describe her pregnancy or abortion experience in this way.

So how can you help the women you love to have positive memories of their abortions? I would love to hear from readers about the factors that made a difference in their abortions being positive or negative memories. Some suggestions I've gotten from women include:

Listen closely and let me express all the feelings I'm having, even the ambivalent ones.
Don't tell me what to do, unless I ask you for that feedback.
Tell me your own abortion story.
Don't assume that be cause I am pro-choice, this experience will be clearcut or simple for me.
Don't assume that describing myself as "against abortion" means I don't want to have one.
Help me with practical things--childcare, a ride to the clinic, make my favorite dinner for when I get back home, clean the house, cover my shift at work on the day of my appointment.
When you make promises to help with this stuff--FOLLOW THROUGH!
Don't promise to "help me with the baby" unless you can identify specific things you are willing to help with. If I choose this path, once again, FOLLOW THROUGH!
Remind me what a good job I'm doing taking care of my family already.
Help me find accurate information about abortion care.
If I ask you to respect my privacy and not tell other people about my pregnancy, please do so.
Love me no matter what.

What are the factors that made your own abortions positive experiences? Were there things that impacted your experience negatively? What else would you add to this list?

Nell

Comments

[bint alshamsa]

Anonymous clearly doesn't know what murder is so I'll explain it for him/her and any of his/her buddies that want to wander onto this post. Murder is the unlawful killing of a human being. Because abortion is legal in this country, having one or performing one isn't murder. You know, if you took the time to educate yourself, you might be able to come up with cogent arguments to support your opinion. You might want to consider doing that because, at this point, you don't have a leg to stand on with this nonsensical murder accusation.

[Jenna]

I had a positive experience. A friend of mine did not and her problem was mainly one of a choice in anesthesia. She recieved only a local as that was all that was provided at the only location she could afford to go to. She was young at the time and did not anticipate the pressure and feelings of discomfort at that time.

And, Joanna, most locations that I know of, and without the government forcing them to do so, do provide ultrasounds and ask if Women would like to see them. And I know for me, personally, and for a lot of other Women I know, seeing the ultrasound didn't change anything because it didn't change how we felt about being pregnant when we didn't want to or couldn't afford to be. Show Women their ultrasounds and they will still have abortions. It's not that Women are stupid or ignorant of biology and don't know what a fetus looks like. It's that seeing it doesn't give you more money, make you older, make you healthier, make you graduated, give you a better job, make it the fetus of someone who isn't abusing you, or change the real reason why you feel you need an abortion.

I hope your sister-in-law receives counseling if she still has unresolved issues. I've never regretted my decision and don't think that's going to change in the future. I wish she could feel the relief and feelings of well-being that I do.

[Stephen]

My best abortion story:

My mother decided NOT to have an abortion.

And I am here on this earth today because of her choice for LIFE.

[Mellankelly]

First, I would like to say that I believe this to be a simply fantastic idea. I know many women who have terminated their pregnancies and have wanted a forum to discuss their personal experiences. It is such a wonderful thing that places exist where these women can share their stories with each other without the stigma that the anti-abortion folks wish to surround abortion with. In addition to this site I am aware of other websites which offer women the same venue including (but hopefully not limited to): Imnotsorry.net, exhale (after abortion website: 4exhale.org), Project Voice (theabortionproject.org) and a fantastic site with the most comprehensive links on reproductive health, rights and pro-choice resources is The Abortion Conversation Project (abortionconversation.com).

I had an abortion in 1993 and began openly speaking about it to people outside of my circle of friends/family in 1995. I think what has been missing from the debate are the real voices of women who have terminated their pregnancies. I do not hesitate to share my story with any person at any time in any place and despite what you might see on the Internet, people are much more respectful in real life (when one is anonymous it appears to be much easier to spew vitriolic criticisms). It's great that those whose lives have never been touched by the experience of an unwanted (or very much wanted but doomed) pregnancy to hear first hand accounts of what it means to face these choices. Bravo to you for the opportunity for others to do so on this site and also for the very informative and heartfelt posts by the sites authors.

[anonymous]

You are all complicit in murder.

If you are proud of that, all the worse.

[Anonymous]

I am a Christian and a woman who loves being a mother, but I had an abortion at the age of 33 - the hardest thing ever in my life. After trying for 3 months I became pregnant. Soon I began throwing up uncontrollably - sometimes as often as every 5 minutes. I was in and out of the hospital. I took a ton of medication to stop throwing up, to no avail. I lost 30 pounds in less than 3 weeks. My resting heartrate was over 160. My blood pressure was 50 something over 30 something. I once when 4 days without producing any urine, and when I did it was thick, orange sludge - my body was beginning to shut down and I was in the beginning stages of metabolic acidosis. Doctors did not know how to help me. So one day, I admitted that I didn't want to die and my husband and I decided we would have to terminate the pregnancy. In all those times I was in the ER and the hospital, they never did a u/s. If they had, they would have found out that my baby had died weeks earlier. I only found this out when I went in to terminate the pregnancy in a last ditch effort to stop the suffering and save my family. This experience forever changed my mind about the medical profession and the positions that women find themselves in. It was not until months later that I found out my condition had a name - Hyperemesis Gravidarum. 25% of the women who have this disease will find themsleves in the same position that I found myself in. Many women will lose their babies, and some families will lose both mother and child.

[Anonymous]

I was 22 when I had my abortion and I had just graduated college. When I found out I was pregnant, I thought my life was over. However, I was very fortunate in that I had a supportive partner throughout the ordeal who helped me through every step of the way. He was there when I went to the doctor to confirm my pregnancy, he was there when I was so emotionally imbalanced I thought I was going insane, and he was there when I had the procedure. I think that if I had done it alone, it would have been a much different experience for me. For the actual abortion, I opted to have a twilight shot, which made it much easier to go through. I highly recommend to anyone that is considering abortion, to consider also taking the twilight shot. After my abortion, I felt like a different person. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I felt proud of myself that I was able to deal with a very serious situation and survive it. I felt wonderful.

I realize that there are a few unique factors that turned my experience into a positive one: my partner, the accessibility of the abortion, and that fact that I could afford one along with a twilight shot. Some of those things are missing from many other people experiences which is unfair. Laws need to change to make abortion more accessible. The rhetoric in regards to abortion must stop making the woman feel like a criminal. And because abortion is a medical procedure, it should be covered by your health care provider. All of that needs to be in place for women who aren't as fortunate as myself to easily and w/o harassment obtain a procedure that is legal, safe, and as in my case, life-saving.

[anon]

I wrote this for Blog for Choice Day 2007, which tells some of my story and thoughts...
Hopefully this will be my last post on Abortion. I feel obligated to post on this topic today. I had an abortion, yes that's right. Aren't I ashamed of myself--no. Looking back I have nothing but compassion for my 19 year old self. I am DISGUSTED with the society I live in. Why? Because there is no safe haven for girls with an unplanned pregnancy, if her family is not prepared, willing or able to help her. And what about the millions of children already here around the world that need decent sanitation and health care not to mention food and shelter? Are these children undesirable because of their culture, sex and/or color?

Adoption you say? So a vulnerable woman can be manipulated into thinking she is garbage and doesn't deserve a child. So she can martyr herself for a childless couple? What about post traumatic stress from giving up a child you have nurtured within you and birthed. You can't tell me adoption doesn't spiritually and emotionally hurt two people for the rest of their lives. Just read some birthmother and adoptee blogs.

In Amy McKay's book The Birth House, the wise crone-midwife says

Only the woman knows if she's got enough love to make a life. It's love that's got to make the choice. No matter what anybody says, no matter how much money or fancy this and that you think she has to her name, only the heart knows what it's got to lose, one way or another.

Without love biological life can exist. What about spiritual and emotional life, can that flourish without love? What about quality of life? I didn't feel there was enough love in my life for me and those closest to me, let alone a needy infant. Sad, but true.

Think about how it feels to be in the same room with someone who is going through extreme emotional pain, or who just needs to be alone? How would it feel to share a body with them? How about sharing a body/ room with someone who is full of love and generosity...

So if I could have found a supportive physical, emotional, and spiritual safe haven throughout pregnancy and childrearing at 19, things would have turned out differently.

If a government can legally force you to have a child then can't it force you to abort a child? What happens when basic resources on earth get scarce? Do you want the government involved in your reproductive rights, and searching your body cavities? Where is the privacy line drawn?

I am for the record NOT pro-abortion or pro-war. Sometimes circumstances call for these ugly actions, that reflect the world we live in. I am pro-choice, women's reproductive rights allows freedom and some equality for women.

For all those women who have had abortions you can still have your spirit babies if you want to. Energy is never lost just transformed.

[J]

I live in Michigan, a state with draconian abortion laws. I made an appointment at a clinic and then started researching laws, and after reading about the 24 hour waiting periods and the pregnancy tests administered by a doctor, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get an abortion at the appointment I had made. I called the clinic in tears, and they were so kind. They confirmed my feelings that the laws were stupid, and they followed the letter of the law but supported me in every way. I felt really comforted every time I talked to them.

I wish they'd let me bring two support people in during the procedure, and that the morning talk shows on the TV in the waiting room hadn't had such a long segment on babies and maternity clothing. Other than that, the clinic was perfect.