abortionclinicdays

Does God know what's in your heart?

From a guest blogger:

One of the things that surprised me most when I came to work at the clinic was the level of spiritual resolution that many patients have already achieved prior to walking in the door. I expected my work with women to include a dimension of spiritual counseling. I expected the Christian women I spoke with would utilize the same black and white absolutes that they hear from the pulpit. I expected an angry Old Testament God offering punishment, women feeling cut off or cast out of God's light.

Overwhelmingly, what I found, instead was that most women had already gone to God, prayed upon their decision and felt a sense of resolution and right action. Despite whatever their religious leadership preach about abortion or sex, most of the women I counsel have found a very personal connection to God in their journey through thier pregnancy. They have gone to Him for counsel and find His love to be a sense of comfort. It's not “what does your church teach you about abortion,” that I ask women now, it's “does He know what's in your heart?”

No one typified this more than Marnie, who came into the clinic for a non-surgical abortion. She was in her thirties with three children, the adult daughter of a minister. With the support of her family, friends and therapist, she was finally moving towards separation from an abusive husband. She was trying desperately to protect herself from this man, while respecting her children's need to maintain some contact with their father. He was not abusive towards the children, she explained, but they were witness to his behavior towards her. “A man like that,” she said quietly and with conviction, “should not have any more children.”  This was how she knew that abortion was the morally right decision for her. She was doing the best with the situation she had around her, but God would not forgive her for subjecting another child to chaos and cruelty.

I asked her about growing up as a minister's kid. “When I think about church,” she said, “I think about my family, how it was a special time. I think of my dad's aftershave and getting dressed up in my best clothes. I think about the music, my mom's singing, and the big meal we'd have afterwards. Those feelings, that's what really sticks with me.” My eyes welled up listening to her. It was the love and the comfort that made an impression, preparing her best self to stand before God, to join and praise. “My mother is in the waiting room,” she said, “and this has been really hard for her, but she understands. I've had such amazing support. The man outside offered me a rosary. I told him I had already made up my mind and didn't want to talk to him, but that I could use all the prayer I could get.” 

Marnie had chosen to have a medical abortion and we discussed what that would feel like for her. “It is very important for me to take responsibility for this,” she said, “and do it myself.” She had had a prior miscarriage and felt confident that she could work through the cramping and bleeding as the pregnancy passed. This was going to be private, sacred time, she explained. She had prepared her bedroom at home, bought a new bible and had selected some scripture that she felt spoke to her situation. “I need this to be respectful,” she said, “Me and the baby are going to work through this together.” I offered some scripture I share with women about God's all-encompassing love and we hugged as she was leaving. I told her that I'd be thinking of her and thanked her for letting us care for her. The level of peace and confidence she displayed were so moving. I'm still thinking of her.

Lost

On our patient chart, as on many other abortion providers' chart, women are asked to circle all the words that describe how they are feeling.  At least thirty adjectives are on that list and women circle many or few.  Both "happy" and "sad" appear, as do "confused" and "certain"; "relieved", "strong", "scared", "peaceful", "guilty" and many more.  As a counselor, I ask women to tell me what the words that they have circled mean to them.  One word that is rarely circled, and therefore of great potential importance, is the word "lost".  It may mean to the woman that she feels lost because her partner abandoned her when he found out she was pregnant, or lost because she fears being estranged from God, or lost because she thought she was opposed to abortion but finds herself having chosen it nevertheless. She may even feel loss of her identity as mother even though she is likely to be choosing abortion specifically for those other children.

These threads are crucial for a counselor to follow, sometimes because the woman needs help in finding a pathway to support, forgiveness, or simply back to her own sense of self.  Sometimes she just needs a place to sort out her feelings in an environment that is non-judgmental.  This past week I counseled a woman whom I'll call LaTisha, aged 37.  Her description of what "lost" meant to her had more to do with denial of her husband's drug addiction, lying, stealing.  They had just had a baby this summer and that, combined with what she described as constant personal chaos as well as chaos in the home, having to go back to work almost immediately after the baby was born to cover her husband's car crashes, money thefts, had left her in a state of just mopping up one disaster after another.  Becoming pregnant again so soon made her realize that she was ruining her life and  possibly her child's too by trying to make the marriage work.  In the process, LaTisha said, she had lost herself and was losing sight of her goals. 

Life, she said, was "happening to her" rather than being under her control.  Her time and energy were usurped by trying to find out the truth (was he using or not using drugs, did he or did he not steal the money, the jewelry).  Between that and caring for her newborn and working, she said that she herself barely existed.  Because she was not paying attention to herself, she said, she sometimes missed her birth control pills, made mistakes at work and was generally not taking care of herself.  But suddenly, when she found herself pregnant again so soon after delivery, she had to stop and think about where she was, where she wanted to be, and what needed to be done.  She said that once she sat and thought about all she had been through and how caught up she was in trying to deny to herself the severity of their problems, she realized that all that she had worked for could come crashing down on her.  She could lose her home, her job, or the support of her family who had been telling her what they heard on the street about her husband.  Eventually she decided to have the abortion on Saturday and tell him to leave on Sunday. 

I commented on how calm, how at peace, she seemed as she was telling me this story.  Ah, she said, that's because I am no longer lost.  I have found myself again.

lu