Post-it

The Post-it said, "AT-TI-TUDE" all caps. The young woman was  in traditional Muslim dress, African-American, and bristling with...with something. I guessed that it was my job to find out what.

It turned out to be not so different from many women who feel like they are caught in a trap of their own making. She got pregnant, then "did the right thing and married at age 16, to a man she did not love. She had 2 more children with him, still didn't love him, but clearly did not wish him pain either. She had fallen in love with another, someone outside her culture. She knew it could never work. It was a mess, but a compelling mess.

Her self contempt, her anger at her situation and everyone around her, seemed to spring from the great divide between what she wanted and what she knew was right. Her religion guided her in everything--it was her rock. She accepted the finality of it, as a guilty person accepts a punishment.

"It's against my religion," she said defeatedly as though there could be no further discussion. I said, "Well, it may not be as clear as that. Muslims believe that the soul enters the baby at 120 days--about 16 weeks. You are about 5 weeks." Then I pulled out the Pregnancy Options Workbook (www.pregnancyoptions.info) and read her the section about Islam and abortion. It does not offer a free pass, by any means, but it does put Mohammed's proscription about killing your children in some historical context. He decried the killing of female infants, a widespread practice in his time. It also listed the acceptable reasons for abortion. It talked about atonement.

When I read the part about atonement meaning fasting for two months, an invisible veil fell from her face and there was a beautiful look of hope radiating out. "I can do that," she said. This launched us into a wonderful discussion about forgiveness, compassion, the condition of women, and other topics.

I confess that sometimes I find Muslim women unapproachable, even American Muslims. I am sure their wariness is justified, particularly in these times. There was no such feeling with this woman. We talked about life, love, sex, kids, books, culture, and of course, religion. She said, "I was raised Muslim but I know that if I lived in a Muslim country I would be stoned. How does that help you get better or learn?"

One of my favorite factoids in talking about religion is that in the original Hebrew, the word "sin" means "missing the mark" not being stoned to death. She liked it too.

--Bon

PS: I want to address the inevitable comment that I somehow made her feel "OK" about abortion, or encouraged her to have one. It was clear to me that she would have one no matter what. What I offered was a way that she could "be" with it that did not further cripple her life and the beautiful contribution she could make to life.

PPS: My apologies for being MIA on this blog. It's moving work, but there isn't always time, or the will to find time, to step back and write about it.

Comments

[Linda]

... and again the porn-spam attacks. Many news blogs disable comments on older posts; this might help. I can't help but thank that because words like "sex," "girl" and "woman" appear on this blog, that draws spambots galore.

Keep up the good work.

[Diatryma]

Robin, that's why I'm pro-choice: I want to be chosen. My mother wanted *me*. She chose to have *me*. She did not choose to marry, and then get stuck with me as a consequence. She did not choose to have sex, and then get stuck with me as a consequence. She did not choose to go to a party, choose to trust the wrong boy, choose the wrong hospital, and then get stuck with me. I am not a side effect. I am not a consequence. I am chosen for myself.

[Julie]

Tsk*tsk, Robin. Choosing an abortion is just one way of dealing with the consequences. Plus, you cannot compare a tiny fetus the size of a bean with the the woman or girl who carries it. There is no equivalent.

[Robin]

No matter what you do to "help" the female, you are still "helping" to kill a life. I have had an incomplete abortion. It was a miscarriage and the hospital labelled it abortion,inc. You say no matter what, but you truly do not know. That was a life inside her. Each abortion was a life, not a choice. Sex making the baby was the choice & it was made then. Deal with the consequences.

[Julie]

Jess and Matthew just don't get it. They simply scanned the article to find out if the woman decided to abort or go to term. Then they posted the usual knee-jerk pro-life reactions. Get a clue, you two. It's not all about you and the decision YOU want other women to make.

P.S. I agree with Linda and hope it's possible for you to delete all the "comments" from spam-bots.

[Linda]

I'm glad to see this blog is back ... I have been checking in and watched in horror as it filled with "comments" from spambots and the like. I highly, highly recommend that you reconfigure the comments page in such a way as to block them out -- for example, blogger has a text recognition feature you can enable to weed out bots.

thanks and hope to read more soon.

[Jess @ Making Home]

You said: "What I offered was a way that she could "be" with it that did not further cripple her life and the beautiful contribution she could make to life."

No, what you offered was a way that one life could not be. A way to cripple and to snuff out the life inside of her, and to completely remove the possibility that the person inside of her could make a contribution to life.

[Matthew]

Shame, for shame. Using twisting the poor ladies view of her religion into something that assuages her conscience as she considers ending the life inside her.

Shame, Bon, Shame.

[beth]

You just gave me a perspective of a muslim woman that has not been/is not available to me otherwise.
You have given me, and every muslim woman I meet from now on, a wonderful gift.
I didn't even realize how limited my ideas about muslim women may have been untill you totally
blew my mind.

Thanks!

I needed that!

:)

[Julie]

I am glad to see you back too, bon. I was afraid you had decided to abandon the blog to the adbots and pornbots who have (largely) taken it over. Can your site server ban them and delete their useless trope?

[Jess]

I too am glad to see you posted, Ive had this blogrolled for a few years and am an avid reader.

I am glad that you are able to help these woman find peace with their decision. I believe she knew what was right for her. Religion or not. It kind of makes one think though.

[roula]

hi bon,
that's a beautiful experience, thank you for sharing it. i work in a similar environment and yet i realize sometimes that i have so much farther to go in wisdom, compassion, and emotional resourcefulness. i really admire that.
thanks again,
roula

[Trope]

My apologies for being MIA on this blog.

No problem, but it's good to see you post. I was worried something had happened to you two.

I have trouble discussing abortion and religion, since I read so much conflicting information about what followers of even my own religion should believe (I was raised Protestant). That's part of why I think it's so important to keep talking about the morality of abortion, without compromising access or respectful care. I'm glad you have resources to do so.