abortionclinicdays

spiritual resolution

even though we do not advertise it, we are very open to patients' wishes to begin the pathway to spiritual resolution.  we follow the patient's lead and requests.  that means that if a woman or her partner asks to spend time alone with her pregnancy tissue after the abortion, we are very agreeable to the request, provide a private room and either stay with the them if they'd like the counselor to do so, or leave them alone if they prefer.  the other day a patient asked me if she could do just that, have time alone after the abortion with the pregnancy.  i entered the little room with her, made sure that she had what she needed including kleenex for tears and disposable gloves (although since it is her own tissue she does not have to use them) and then left her alone as she requested.  i had already provided her with some spiritual healing information that could help her to get started if she wanted, or she could say her own prayers or blessings.  i instructed her, as i always do, that i would wait outside the door and that she should open the door when she was finished and i would take her back to the recovery area.  after about 10 minutes, she exited the private room.  when she saw me, she threw her arms around me, hugged me and thanked me profusely.  i know that her road to internal peace had begun.  she did not want to have an abortion but knew that she and her husband could not take care of another child.  she felt that she and god had moved to their own resolution, so the private prayer and goodbye was just for her, for her own heart.

immediately after her i was talking to another woman who described herself as a devout catholic, one who attends a catholic college where she goes to the chapel almost daily since she started there because, she said, she can only manage her heavy class load, young child, and job by daily prayer to god to give her the strength and courage to continue on each day.  when she found herself pregnant, she first said that she decided to continue the pregnancy and raise the child, but soon realized that it was impossible, that she would have to quit school and then the loan payments would start, probably stopping her from ever completing her education.  with heavy heart, she came in for her appointment.  she too felt that her close relationship with god helped her to feel that, after confession, she would be able to go on with her life, that god would want her to complete her schooling so that she could raise the child that she struggles so much now to care for.  her family is not able to help her much, either financially or with child care so the burden is pretty much hers.  what she wanted was not closure between her and god which she felt she was on her way to finding, but rather that her pregnancy be sent to god.  i told her that she could view her tissue and say whatever prayers over it that she chose, but she said no that was not what she needed.   she then asked me if i would baptize the baby and i agreed to.  another staff person and i went to a private room, turned down the lights, then said the prayers together.  later i reported to the patient exactly what we had done.  she, too, was so grateful.  she took my hand and told me that it meant so much to her.  it was a good day, bringing peace to the women and to their pregnancies.

even though i have been doing this work for a very long time, these situations never fail to move me.  i feel honored that these women (and men) have chosen to share their deepest, most private feelings with me.  and even though i have done both of these things before,  i always retain the awareness of the potential life that these women have had to give up.  they know that we will treat the pregnancy as sacred and respect it.  because of that, i have experienced many treasured moments in my work.  and many many women who are our patients have been able to put to words exactly what they perhaps have not been able to say elsewhere.  it's part of why i treasure my job.

bon

Blowing It

I don't always leave a counseling session feeling like I have totally been helpful to the woman, but I don't often feel like I have totally blown it. Well, with Samantha I did.

She is 15 and came with her grandmother. Right from the get-go she said that she was not going to have an abortion, which was OK with me, but someone clearly thought that she would because she made an appointment for one. I am just now fascinated with how teenagers think and how they interact with their parents in helpful or unhelpful ways. Mostly unhelpful ways are what I get to see. So I was eager to talk to her to see how this situation worked itself out.

The story was tiresomely ordinary, I am sorry to report. Her partner is older, and you could argue statutory rape except that the mother said it was OK for him to live with her for a while. Still, that was the gun to Samantha's head-- if she didn't have the abortion the mother was going to put him in jail for statutory rape. According to the grandmother he stole Samantha's money, was into drugs, had no job, and was generally "bad news." Samantha herself didn't really have too many illusions about him but she also couldn't think much about it since her mother had banished him and he was already in jail for a parole violation. Still, the statutory rape charges were not concerning her much; maybe she sensed that her mother was bluffing.

She was adamant that abortion was murder and she wasn't going to do that, no matter what anyone said. But the consequences of that were not only the boyfriend possibly going to jail, but more importantly, that she would no longer be welcome at her mother's house--her home in other words. Her mother's new boyfriend hated her and her mother wanted her out anyway. The situation seemed to work out for everyone's agenda except this 15 year old. That left Samantha trolling for love, and a place to stay, for her and her baby.

The grandmother was as good and true as ever a person was. She blamed her daughter--Samantha's mother-- for ignoring her and taking her own new boyfriend's part rather than help her daughter. The grandmother tried to bring Samantha to her house for weekends and to mother her as best she could, but it clearly was not enough. The grandmother herself was in poor health and so was her husband, but I had the feeling that they would end up helping her out.

Samantha focused on her estranged father as a savior to rescue her. In an overwrought wail, she said, "My dad said that I could stay with him and it was OK to have the baby there." The grandmother painted a different picture: The father had virtually no contact with his daughter, but favored his younger son, occasionally taking him for outings, but never Samantha. He told her she could visit but then wasn't home when she came. She didn't feel that he would be likely to "be there" in any significant way.

No matter what I said, or her grandmother said, Samantha just kept saying, more and more hysterically, "Nothing you say will make me change my mind. I am not having an abortion." Ironically, I was not trying to convince her, but I was unconvinced that she really wanted to have a baby. She was just tired of being pushed aside over and over again. Usually I can find a way in but this time I could not and I found myself responding to the unloveableness of a child having a tantrum. I challenged her to be proactive about finding a situation for her and her baby if that's what she wanted, but I was one more voice telling her something she didn't want to hear.

I did offer some resources and ideas to her grandmother, but as they left, I felt like I was the grandmother's last hope and I had failed miserably. Now I wish I had found some love and empathy for this unloved girl, and said, "I see a girl looking for love herself. Where can you find it?" I don't know if that question would have unlocked her heart but it might have made me more of an ally. I know that it is not my job to solve people's problems in a short session. But I can usually connect with what is going on for the person I am sitting with and that connection and attention can sometimes produce something useful. This interaction ended with Samantha scoring an empty victory, and me just feeling empty. Pray for the children-- both of them.

--bon