abortionclinicdays

history of sexual molestation

an astonishingly large percentage of women report that they have been sexually molested at some point in their lives.  the figure usually quoted is 27%.  (for the record, it's 16% of boys).  some women and girls become pregnant as a result of rape, having had sex against their will.  of course the majority of pregnancies conceived in sexual assault situations end up as abortions with the possible exception of marital rape; some of these circumstances are so very dangerous for women and many of them cannot leave their homes for fear of being beaten.  sometimes we at the clinic, at the patient's request, work with law enforcement agencies to collect the pregnancy tissue for DNA testing at an independent lab.  only occasionally do we ever hear the outcome since, unlike on TV, it is not uncommon for the final outcome to take quite some time before resolution.

the effects on women whose past medical history includes rape or molestation is heard, felt, observed almost every day at the clinic.  the girl who is very fearful and anxious of being touched "down there" by the doctor, the woman who has not been to see a gynecologist for a pap smear in over 10 years, the shaking and terrified patient who says that she can only be examined by a woman doctor are all possible examples of a history of unwanted sexual encounters, some having occurred when the women were small children.  our medical chart has a place for women to let us know if they have difficulty with exams or even if they have avoided them altogether.  we then work with those patients to create an environment in the exam room that minimizes their stress level so that, at the very least, the abortion can be performed.  it is our hope that, with our support, these women develop enough trust in us that they can return for regular gyn care.

but a less obvious yet more pervasive manifestation is the effect that sexual molestation has on women in their daily lives.  often i talk to women who have never trusted their own judgement, who have an extremely hard time deciding most things in their lives.  since pregnancy is such a major life changing event, some may find themselves almost frozen and unable to make a decision at all.  or they may state that they do not feel that they are prepared for parenting since they cannot take care of themselves, but that they feel "unworthy" to make a decision that would allow themselves to be better prepared for assuming the responsibilities of parenthood because that might be deemed "selfish".  or they might not have any experience in making important decisions throughout their lives.

just the other day i talked to a woman who ended up going home before her abortion was done.  this time i did not "send" her home; she chose it.  we had talked for quite some time and although she did not express any doubt that abortion would be best for her three very young children, she said that she was embarrassed to admit it, but she said she was not an "independent woman".  i'll call her trudy and tell you that she is 25 years old, recently moved here with her boyfriend, who is the father of her children.  they have not been getting along and trudy had been considering returning to the city where all of her extended family live.  she said that sometimes she thinks the only reasons she has not already left him is that he is her kids' dad and also that her family, who never liked him, will say "we told you not to be with him". 

right now, being new here, and more than a thousand miles from home, she has no real friends.  her family is adamantly opposed to abortion but she said that that does not influence her decision.  her religion is opposed to abortion, too, but she said she is firmly convinced that god knows that she should not have another child.  two weeks earlier, trudy discovered her boyfriend in bed with another woman.  this pretty much confirmed for her that she needs to leave him, and, as she said, returning home as sole support of three kids is maybe manageable, but with four she just could not make it.  even if he does send her some child support, it will be a struggle for a long long time since all three children are so young.

so what was her hesitation?  and why did she leave the clinc still pregnant?  she said that she just could not carry out such a big thing on her own.  she kept saying that she wanted to have the abortion, that she knew it was for the best, but she had no experience of doing anything without his permission and he did not want her to have an abortion.  trudy is educated, well spoken, not shy, and feels humiliated that she cannot act against him.  her past sexual abuse seems to have stripped her of her ability to act in her own favor.

she got as far as the operating room, was undressed and then said she could not do it.  trudy got dressed and then i sat with her while she told me that she could not go forward.  i told her that we would do whatever she wanted, either refund her money or go back into the procedure room.  she eventually asked me if i would go into the room with her, and of course i agreed.  once again, before the doctor even did an exam, she started to have a panic attack and said she could not do it.

i was willing to sit with her as long as it took, but she felt that she was done for the day, that she just wanted to go home.  her own voice is not one that she trusts.  when she is "just talking" about her feelings and her decision making, she is quite clear, but when it comes to carrying out her own desires, she cannot do it.

we at the clinic have to trust women to choose what they can best live with.  unlike the last woman i wrote about who seemed hesitant, trudy expressed no hesitation about abortion, just about being able to trust her own voice.  so many women are like trudy, knowing what they need to do, but being unable to move forward.  sometimes it's the fear of what will happen to the children they already have that allows them to act.  with women in abusive relationships who cannot bring themselves to leave for themselves, sometimes only fear of what might happen to their kids allows them leave.  or to decide to not continue this pregnancy.

lou

ps   trudy did not return and is now beyond the time that we could offer an abortion to her.  i cannot say what would have been better for her life and her children's life, but i do know that it was those early years of sexual abuse that stripped her of her sense of self so that she can "decide" only by not deciding.  it's how she moved here, it's how she will end up with four children while her boyfriend brings other women into their bed.  it does make me sad for her, that she seems unable to value herself.

not telling their partners

women who do not inform their partners they are pregnant know exactly why they are not telling them.  one of the most common reasons is that they fear abuse --pregnant women are beaten or assaulted more frequently than non pregnant women.  there are other reasons, too, of course, the kinds that real women in real life situations are struggling with.  i'd like to share three women and their stories with you.  you will see that each woman is different, each story is different.  each woman is trying to make an honorable decision that she can best live with.  each has prayed for help to make a wise, respectful decision. 

the first woman, whom i'll call alicia, is in her early 20's and just recently back from iraq.  she is attending college while working, but knows that she is going to be called up for iraq again soon.  her fiance is in iraq now, in a danger zone.  they had been using condoms as birth control, but by now everyone knows that no birth control method is 100% effective.  alicia knows he would want her to continue the pregnancy but she said that she has seen the damage done to small children who are being raised by neither parent, or by a parent who is soon to be sent to one of the war fronts.  she has also heard the women with whom she served tell of their feelings of helplessness when there are problems back home with their kids and they cannot hold them, touch them, reassure them.  she feels that the children suffer too much during the developmentally important early years of childhood.  she longs for the day that she can have a child but, she said, only when she can be a mother to it.

another woman that i spoke to who had not told her partner had a more unusual situation.  she is older than alicia by more than a decade.  her wedding is coming up in a few months; she and her partner had made a pledge of "celibacy" as she called it, engaging only in "outercourse" meaning sexual expression without penetration.  much to her astonishment, she is nevertheless pregnant!  because this couple has been using this method for years, they never dreamed that pregnancy could occur.  now that it has, shante fears that a pregnancy could create suspicion between her and her partner, could jeopardize her job and also could start their marriage off on the wrong foot.  both she and her fiance have very visible positions both in their community and also in their church.  she said that she longs for a child and hopes that god will understand that she felt abortion was the best for their future.  shante said that putting her fiance in a position where he had to help with the decision would be too painful for him and so she was sparing him the pain by deciding herself.  she sees her making the decision alone as an act of love for her fiance, sparing him also anguish in having to ask for god's forgiveness since he knows nothing about it. 

the third woman had also decided that it would not be wise for her to tell her partner because he would want her to continue the pregnancy and she feels that he is not a good parent.  he has a child from a previous relationship that he is not very involved with and this woman, whom i am naming tammy, already has four children from a marriage that went bad.  she is trying her best to raise them alone but says she can barely handle it.  they are very young, very close in age with the oldest not yet in school.  her religion has taught her that abortion is a sin, but she says that she feels it would be more of a sin to have another child that she cannot care for.  she says that there are many days when there is not enough food in the house and she cannot find a job that will pay her enough to cover the cost of daycare for four.  so, for now, she is unemployed.  she had been on the pill and just got her prescription re-filled but did not ever start them because her peiod never came.  she wonders if she will go to hell for choosing abortion, but said she would risk going to hell after her death rather than put her children at risk now.  when i hear women talking about their love of their children being the principle reason for the abortion, i always think that this is a part of women's stories that the public never gets to hear.  but then, there are so many erroneous ideas that folks have about who has abortion and why. 

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i am pasting on to this entry an article i just read this morning.  it addresses some of the same themes that my blogging partner and i have written about before  you may, for example, find it interesting that most women who have abortions already have children.  read on to learn more.

lou

Defying stereotypes on abortion

Susan Reimer (Baltimore Sun)

June 25, 2006

You might be surprised to learn that the young woman seeking an abortion in the United States today is not somebody's careless teenage daughter.

She is a mom.

She is in her 20s, she's attended college, she earns a manageable living and she is either living with the father or in a long-term relationship with him.

And she already has a child.

This is the profile that emerges from the work of Brookings Institution economics scholar Melissa Kearney, who drew on abortion statistics collected by the Alan Guttmacher Institute.

And it contradicts a lot of assumptions out there about the woman who seeks an abortion.

"Most women who are having abortions are already mothers, as opposed to women who don't want to be mothers," said Kearney, who has a doctorate in economics from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "That was the biggest surprise to me.

"I also think it is surprising that a woman who has already given birth would find herself back in this position," she said.

While teens and minorities are most likely to terminate pregnancies, it is educated women in their 20s who are actually having most abortions.

And while abortion rates have been decreasing for all women - and especially teens - there have been only small declines in the rates for women in their 20s.

There were 1.3 million abortions in 2000, the most recent year for which detailed abortion data are available, Kearney reported. That is one abortion for every three births.

But less than 20 percent were to teenagers, while 70 percent were to women in their 20s and early 30s. Eighty percent of abortions were to unmarried women, but only 25 percent were to women living in poverty.

So the commonly accepted profile of a woman having an abortion is very far off the mark.

She is not a careless adolescent. She is almost as likely to be white (41 percent) as she is to be a member of a minority.

And she is not what used to be thought of - before the end of welfare - as a welfare mother: uneducated, unemployed, unattached and with a passel of kids.

What is most troubling in Kearney's report is that half of abortions are to women who have already had an abortion, and 60 percent of abortions are to women who already have one child.

Though they make the decision not to give birth to another child - perhaps because they have gotten their lives on track with education, a job and a long-term relationship - they don't take the necessary steps to prevent pregnancy.

Her analysis of the statistics makes Kearney suspect that these women view abortion as a responsible choice, given their circumstances.

"The idea that abortion is driven by carelessness or a careless approach to life is not necessarily true," said Kearney.

"It is not an abdication of personal responsibility. Many of these women believe that this is the responsible choice. They are doing what they think is best for themselves and their families."

What is not so clear is this: These women are not teenagers who might still be trying to figure out where babies come from.

These are women who have already had a child, an abortion or both. That's what Kearney finds frustrating.

"It is hard to understand why these women weren't more responsible in the sense of finding themselves here again," Kearney said.

If we want to reduce the aggregate number of abortions in this country - and nobody argues with that goal - then perhaps it isn't teens or minorities or women in poverty that we should be trying to reach.

Maybe it is the young mother next door.