abortionclinicdays

respect for life

many years ago i remember a patient telling me that she chose our clinic because she could tell that we respected her and knew that we would therefore respect the life within her.  it was very important to her that she have trust in the clinic she chose because she felt that, given her life circumstances, returning her baby to god was the kindest, most maternal thing she could do for it.  i assured her that her feeling was correct, that we in fact do all we can to honor the life that women are unable to continue and we encourage them to find their own way to make peace with the pregnancy (whether it be a baby or a "pre-baby" to them), figure out how to forgive themselves and also to continue working through any religious or spiritual issues if they have them.  we show all patients the section of the clinic where the brochures and handouts are kept and encourage them to take all they want home with them.  in addition to the independently produced brochures, there are the publications of RELIGIOUS COALITION FOR REPRODUCTIVE CHOICE and CATHOLICS FOR FREE CHOICE.  a while back,  we interviewed many priests, ministers and rabbis to determine how we might refer women for pastoral counseling or, if the women preferred, to share some of the messages of hope that we have collected from various clergy. we are glad to be able to pass on those messages of hope and love that come from god via his clergy from various religions. 

our clinic is the kind of place where women can ask, as one did today, if we would bless and baptise her baby.  i was able to do that for her.  honoring her pregnancy as she herself chooses is part of what we hope to do for each woman.  using water (she had planned to bring holy water with her but had at the last minute forgotten it) and saying the words i know from my catholic upbringing, i did as she asked.  she had a name in mind for the baby, one that could work for either gender and i gave it that name. 

we want to be a clinic that respects life, that honors women's choices. the two are compatible.  believe me!

lou

saturday's theme

as i have written here before, certain themes sometimes emerge on a single clinic day.  this past saturday's theme was "saving oneself".  i was struck by the certainty of each woman that abortion was necessary in order for her to save herself.  each was in a bad relationship and in the process of extricating herself when she discovered that she was pregnant.  anyone who has herself been in a bad relationship knows that the full realization of your situation comes to you in waves.  sometimes there is some backsliding, often prompted by a "i can make this work" message repeated to oneself.  sometimes the back and forth, i'm leaving/i'm staying comes out of one's partner promising to change behaviors troublesome to the relationship.  but when you finally accept, once and for all, that the relationship is over, that there is nothing more to do, it's time to just leave.

all three of the women i spoke to last saturday were in the process of leaving.  the youngest of the women, whom i'll call ali, also had serious health problems to consider.  she was not yet 25, but had already been in a diabetic-caused coma last year.  she is still having trouble controlling her diabetes, is suffering from depression, is unemployed and felt utterly alone.  trying to take care of herself is overwhelming her at this point in her life.  also, she may never be able to carry a pregnancy to term because of her health issues.  right now pregnancy was not anything she could even imagine since she has to find a place to live as she begins her divorce proceedings and tries to get her life on track and get her insulin and other medications stabilized.

next i spoke to beth (as usual, all names and identifying information have been changed).  beth had just left her fiance in another state.  she felt that she had to move far away in order to get free of him.  he was abusive, threatening, and made her life miserable.  she had just moved here, gotten a job, but was in no position to have a child.  even more important, she did not want to have a child to the man she had just escaped from.  rather, she wanted him out of her life together.  and she wanted no connection to him or reason for him to be in touch with her. 

danika was also in the process of ending a long term relationship.  although she and her husband had only been married three years, they had been a couple for years before that.  they had both hoped that making the final committment in the form of a marriage pledge to one another would erase some of the problems they had had in their years together.  but in fact it had not turned out that way.  and, with three children for her now to support, she dared not have another child.  her husband's alcoholism was now so bad that he was unable to hold a job yet he was still denying that he had a problem.  she said that her kids needed to be away from the constant fights and screaming even though she is afraid of trying to raise the kids on her own. on the other hand, she said, she had already been doing just that since before they were married.  at this point she would actually have fewer problems, she felt.

so each of these women had her abortion, left the clinic with both sadness and feelings of hope for a new beginning. 

lou

Helping Teens

What about these parental notification laws that teens in 30 states have to deal with???

On the face of it, we want parents to know if they are having an abortion, right? I certainly do, in the abstract. I also want them to involve their parents if they are going to have a baby, or make an adoption plan, or are planning to have sex. I also want their parents to say things like, "Whatever you do, I will still love you. What ever problem you are having, we can work it out together."

A mother said those words to her daughter in my presence the other day, and I was really struck at how unusual it is. What most kids hear is: "Don't get pregnant-- I will kill you/throw you out of the house/ etc" What most kids say is: "I don't want to disappoint my parents." Oddly enough, teenagers seem to believe the broad dramatic statements designed to scare them into good behavior that parents say from time to time. We don't even think they listen to anything we say, and they remember the worst of what we say!

What we all seem to forget is that we were teenagers once and we ALL took risks that we shouldn't have, either around sex, or drinking, or driving fast, or something. It's a natural part of growing up to test your limits, try things, have feelings. And, every year, some kids are unlucky enough to get pregnant, have a car accident, be out of control and get hurt.

What would help is not only to say what that mother said, so that the kids might actually come to you for help when the problem is too big to handle, but then to rehearse some scenarios, talk about the consequences of certain behavior, help them protect themselves.

Last year I helped teach a 16 year old to learn how to drive. At one point, I said, "OK, now, imagine the light is turning yellow, and all your friends are in the back seat calling you names and telling you to run the light.... what do you do?" What if we did the same thing around sex? We talk about it, but we don't usually get around to that conversation with our kids.

Of course, we are talking about the good parents who believe in talking and listening to their kids. There are a LOT of parents who ignore, belittle, bully, or actually abuse their kids. We have a responsibility to them too, if we are to make a law.

What we see as providers are two kinds of kids who will not tell their parents, but will go to a big scary court, tell a stranger her story, have a judge "judge" her. (This is in addition to making an appointment at a clinic, raising the money for an abortion, getting transportation, taking off of school or work, dealing with all the new information.) The first is the "bad parents" or "they will kill me" parents and whether the parents are really bad is hard to judge, but this kid who lives with them obviously thinks so. The other type of teenager who will not tell her parents, is the good student who never does anything wrong, who is college bound, and against all reason, will not disappoint her parents opinion of her by telling them that she is pregnant.

[For more information and stories about judicial bypass, go to www.janesdueprocess.org.]

This makes me so sad. All the draconian legislation that we inflict on our young people make their lives so much worse. And it's likely to get really bad if the federal government gets involved by making it a crime to help a young person cross state lines to get an abortion.

Teenagers are pawns not only in politics, but also in the generational drama. We can't protect our children, we can't control them, and we don't seem to want to help them. So, there ought to be a law!
That works, right?
Wrong.
--Bon