cultural differences

sometimes a patient comes into the clinic for an abortion whose life experiences are so different from mine, so different from anything i have ever even imagined, that i have to look at her situation without ANY preconceived notions.  i cannot even begin to hear her talking to me unless i can also understand a little about her life-shaping experiences.

she was born in vietnam in the middle of the war.  food, family, even being alive tomorrow were not things one could take for granted.  she lost everything in her life before she was 5 years old, her parents, her village, her future.  she was placed in a refugee camp yet somehow, and despite her sister's pleas, found her way to america as a young adult.

she and her husband have created an existance for themselves that allows them to raise two children, sponser various relatives to come to this country, and support a number of other people still living in vietnam.  they do so willingly and happily; it seems to give them great joy that their hard work helps so many people to have a better life.

when she came in today for her fifth abortion, a number of staff members were visibly and audibly agitated.  they clearly were upset that all of the previous discussions about birth control seemed to have fallen on deaf ears.  the patient said that she had previously tried the pill after one of her children was born but discovered that she could not sleep. in addition she had developed facial pigmentation so that method was out.  one by one, we went down the list of all methods of birth control and she gave reasons why they were not for her.  in truth, what she wants is to have her tubes tied, but she has no medical insurance, works in her store 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, and cannot afford either to take the time off or to pay for the surgery.

she clearly wishes that these unplanned pregnancies did not occur, but says that she is sure that buddha knows her heart.  well, i do not know enough about buddhism to converse with her much about that, but then, she said, neither does she.  she has her own religion or spiritual construct that also includes three days of bible reading after each abortion because she wants her babies to go to heaven.  in addition, she says that each time she goes to vietnam, she buys one thousand pounds of rice to be distributed to the homeless and needy.  she also goes to the mountain top and prays or meditates, she said.

she was a little bit choked up that she "will never have her girl, only the boys", but life has taught her that you cannot afford to indulge yourself in having what you want, but rather you must do what is best for those you are responsible for.   she said that therefore, after a week, she will never think about it again and just move on.  i got the idea that that was how she had made it out of the orphanage in which she was raised, how she had made it to this country, how she had created her own successful business.

she left saying that she would come back for a check up, would consider using an IUD as birth control.  but i do not know if we will see her again until she is pregnant again.  her energy seems to go toward the living, and as she said, all but one of her abortions occurred before she was 7 weeks which to her is not yet life.

i keep thinking that if i had lived her life, i too might have her same philosophy of life. 

lou

Comments

[Josefina]

Poor women. My sister got pregnant at 15, my niece is 21 now. And I couldn´t imagin life without her. This issue deals with brain washing yourself or helping others to brain wash the fact that life is not in our hands and death isn´t also. It means to forget where we come from. It is against nature to kill or eliminate your own offspring.
Perhaps It is a lack of faith in God and ourselves.
Adoption or a responsible family plannification is what will prevent all this. Why having doble standards? Why saving forest and whales and not a human life? Women can choose abortion but cannot choose to regulate their fertility. That is simple;
accomodating things for our own selfish benefit.

Perhaps that life is a good thing, and not a load.
Every time I look at my niece I thank my sister took the right choice.

[Angela]

Unbelievable. I frankly don't even know where to start with this. Except that the clinic workers had every right to be agitated. Cultural differences or not. This woman is using abortion as birth control. Horrific. I do not feel sorry for her. She shows an utter lack of respect for her body and for human life. There is no excuse for not using some other form of birth control. Ever thought of natural family planning? You know women have a small window to get pregnant every month, perhaps the next time she comes in, and she will again. She needs to be versed on NFP.

[AbortionCounselorToo]

"But then if one abortion is ok...then 5-10-20-or even 30 should be ok. Why would your staff or even you feel so bad about this? You believe you are helping women, you should actually feel pretty good that she is coming in and receiving her abortions from you."

To all that are asking this question (or some variation on it) look at it from this perspective: Abortion is a surgical procedure. It's minor out-patient surgery but it is SURGERY none-the-less, carrying with it inherent risks. Just as the more you drive a car the more likely you are to get into an accident, the more abortions you have the more likely you are to suffer an infection, perforated uterus, etc. That's just the nature of probability. Also, it can't be easy for your body to go through the hormonal ups and downs of pregnancy and termination again and again and again. Therefore logic would follow that it would be preferable to find a method of birth control that works for you and that you intend to stick with until you are ready to bear children (if ever).
As counselors we do our best to help patients take care of themselves and make informed choices about thier healthcare. A lot of times the frustration over patients with multiple abortions is that there is a part of themselves that they are not tending to, something that they are not dealing with, that goes way beond just the abortion itself and I think that is frequently where the frustration comes from when dealing with this type of patient.

[Sarah]

If abortion is not the killing of a baby, why does it matter if someone has two or ten of them? If it is only the removal of unwanted cells, why should abortion providers care about repeat abortions? If, on the other hand, abortion IS killing, then why is it leagl, and why should we be promoting it as the answer to difficult pregnancies instead of helping the mothers carry to term?

[Sara]

Wow, Annmarie, you got a lot of heat to throw from not ever being in that situation!
My mother actually was, she had 2 abortions...does that make her an evil person?
Now that my siblings-I have 4!!!-have all moved out, she's almost falling apart! We have less money now than we did then. She's only 37, and she's run down from raising a family since she was 16...and you want to know something? She did a damn good job. Her life was hard, and the two kids that she would have had would have meant no me...personally I think that everything happens for a reason.

And better girls getting this all done prefessionally than trying to do it themselves. I know a girl, 21 with 2 kids and one more on the way, and she knows she can't afford it, but she doesn't want to be looked down on, hated like everyone in society would, to go get an abortion. And she knows that after she has it, she won't be able to give it up. Should she starve her two other toddlers just because she can't take the discrimination she already gets just for voicing the idea of an abortion? I don't think she should. So now, is secret, she's trying to find some way to kill the baby. And all because she's too scared of what people would say if she got an sbortion...and it's people like you, Annmarie, that make people like her feel bad for this, bad for wanting a good life for her two kids than a hard, half life for three.
Until you know, don't go around judging every person that gets an abortion.

[annmarie]

I have known many women who have had repeated abortions...and it does not surprise me your staff would feel as they did...You would like to believe one is enough wouldn't you, that they somehow learned their lesson. But then if one abortion is ok...then 5-10-20-or even 30 should be ok. Why would your staff or even you feel so bad about this? You believe you are helping women, you should actually feel pretty good that she is coming in and receiving her abortions from you. Besides she is helping you pay the bills. You didn't say that any of these are free abortions..your little way of helping her out so that she can save for the tubal......I am not saying you and your staff should not have these feelings but this is the nature of the beast...

I have always lived by "if you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen"...

[Emily]

This is a very sad story and thanks for sharing it. I know a number of women (through post-abortion ministry) who have had multiple abortions. I'm not saying this to get into the forced abortion argument, but one particular woman who sought me out when she was pregnant and looking for some perspective was an immigrant from mainland China, in her late 30s with a history of many abortions. As we talked, I saw that the abortions (and she did abort this particular pregnancy also) were something that her husband just expected her to do. They had two boys and were raising them to a certain standard of living, and whatever wishes she might have had to be a mom again were not going to be part of the picture.

[Kim]

I feel that perhaps adoption for a needy family would benifit both parties
The family needs a child and the mother needs the money.

She will no doubt have phychological after-effects concerning these abortion

Abortion Victim

[Anabanana]

Well, you don't have to pay for all 5 abortions at the same time, like you would for a tubal. It's easier to come up with $300 every year than $2000 once. This country has a serious problem with sterilization access- we'll subsidize the hell out of people who bear children, but there's little help for someone who responsibly says "You know, I just can't afford any more."

[Christina Dunigan]

Prayers for this poor woman and her family.

[Grace]

Yeeow. lou, I agree with you totally. I cannot fathom where this woman is coming from, yet I cannot understand how 5 abortions could be preferable to even the most inconvenient form of birth control.

How can she afford 5 abortions and not a tubal ligation?

[Roni]

whoa...it's amazing she's still as positive about life after all she's been thru.