abortionclinicdays

OurTruths.org

I think we have mentioned this new abortion zine before, but I wanted to talk more about the concept of women speaking out about their own abortion experiences. Lou and I believe that until women start speaking out about their experiences the complexity of decision making around pregnancy will never be understood fully. And when I say abortion experience I am talking about the decision, the actual abortion, and the after part--what meaning each woman put on her experience, what wisdom she may have discovered, what she thinks about her life and all that stuff. We believe that pregnancy decisions are profound and even thinking about whether or not to continue a pregnancy is an affirmative exercise. You are really choosing to have that child when you consider the possibility of not having it. When you decide not to have it, you are balancing the rest of your life as well as that potential life. Even the most blase patient I have seen (and they really are RARE) is choosing to stay on the path she is on, making a choice for her life course in a way that makes it valued. It makes for a more conscious life, I think, even though you have to grapple with hard hard choices. Why we heap judgment and disdain on these women for their life choices is beyond me--I have never met a woman who is not TRYING to make her life--and her family's life--BETTER.

But I also welcome the scrutiny of abortion clinics. I always cringe when I read comments like the recent one here--the clinic I went to did not have counseling, it was cold etc etc. Medicine reacts to consumer demand like every other service and if the topic of abortion were not so taboo, women would have a lot to say and it would help the quality of services provided.

But I digress... Our Truths/Nuestras Verdades is about to have its premier issue of writings from women who have had abortions and their allies. It is to be in English and Spanish and both in print and online at www.ourtruths.org. You can get subscription and distribution information about it on the website. Read it, support it, and efforts like it, so that each woman's truth can be heard.

Legal, but out of reach....

I was talking to a woman a few days ago who was over our limit and had to go to a second trimester clinic several hours away. She had marshalled all her resources to come to us, several hours from her home and on a rare day off from work. She was feeling very desperate. Her job would not let her off for the next 10 days, due to preparing for a religious holiday, boy friend was nowhere, she had gotten her mother to bring her that day but was sure she couldnt rely on her to do anything else.

She was really distraught and looked at me in the eyes and said,"What can i do to make myself miscarry?" It was the most direct inquiry I had had in a while and because of her desperation I really thought she might do something stupid.

I am not sure the baseball bat story has made it to everyone's daily news diet. There are two cases now, one in Michigan, one in Texas, where a girl has asked her boyfriend to beat her in the stomach with a baseball bat until she miscarried. It turns out that these young scared kids in MIchigan went to a crisis pregnancy center type place where they got the fire and brimstone message, but no help. Then they went to their county dept. of health, where they were NOT ALLOWED to tell them where to seek help for an abortion. They were both honor students and in the Poetry Club in school--good kids. You don't even want to know what the legal system is doing to these kids, it's shameful, when it's really the system that has failed them, not the other way around.

Anyway, all this crossed my mind as I was talking to her. These ideas get into the cultural grapevine and give other desperate people bad ideas. She was really despondent and every thought I had to help was considered impossible to her. (For instance, there is funding for women who cannot afford abortions at www.nnaf.org and in New York City there is a volunteer group called Haven Coalition that puts women up in their homes and meets them at the bus station, etc.)

I pushed her to bring her mother in to talk about what to do. She said, "It won't matter, she won't help." I think she was really surprised because her mother said, "Whatever it takes, I will help you. Don't worry about the money." And, we even worked around her schedule and got her into a clinic the very next day.

I can't resist ending this story with some politics. Today in the House of Representatives they were voting on a bill we call the Teen Endangerment Act that would prosecute people who help a young woman cross a state line to have an abortion. It would require someone in one state to honor the laws in another state restricting abortion. It would certainly zero in on clinic workers and wonderful volunteers like Haven Coalition. And, of course leave plenty of kids vulnerable to their own notions of how to solve overwhelming problems with baseball bats and worse....

--bon

Re: Playing House

I wanted to update all of you on a previous case that I posted a while ago--playing house, where the couple had wildly different views of the pregnancy and what each thought, felt, said. If you remember I "gave them a dose of reality" which sounded like I possessed reality--thanks to all those who called me on that. What I meant --and did-- was expose each to the other's version of things. She could not maintain her home/family fantasy when we were all in the same room and he said, "No, I didn't think it was a good idea to have a child, for my mental health." He had to listen to his own words when he said, "I just wanted her to be happy," and he hadn't made it too clear what he really wanted.

ANYWAY, they came back for a visit, and here I am eating my words. I did not give them great odds at working it out, but they were very sweet together, seemed to genuinely care about each other, and were talking. He had agreed to keeping an open mind about having kids. She had taken the workbook and WORKED it--every page of it. And she said, "The more you know, the more sure you can be. Even reading about adoption, which I am pretty sure was not for me, made me realize I did the right thing."

We don't know if this is a true happy ending, but since we almost never know how things turn out, I was pleased that she seemed at peace and that they were in a good place with each other.

Cool.

--Bon

Not to Decide is to Decide

a patient whom we saw recently, michella, is a 21 year old college student. although she had known she was pregnant for a number of months, she did not act on her decision one way or the other until now. sometimes that kind of delay is related to the relationship, sometimes it is ambivalence, sometimes making no decision is in fact a decision because it becomes too late to have an abortion.  by her dates, michella was on the verge of not being able to have an abortion at our facility when she first came in with her mom. her story to her counselor was that she really had a number of options. she could move in with her ex-boyfriend in his off campus one bedroom apartment (in a different state). but he had told her that his first obligation was completing college, his second playing sports to maintain his scholarships. he also made it clear that, although she could stay there, he would be dating others and not be accountable to her. she said she thought that was fine. but when i asked her how she planned to support herself and the baby, she admitted that she had not thought of that. she also said that her mother had told her that it was ok for her to move in with her. however, when the mom entered the counseling session, it was a different story. her mother is gravely ill, can barely manage to get through the day and is in financial crisis herself. she told her daughter that as much as she might want to, she could not help with money or child care, that she was too ill to accept that responsibility and furthermore, that just hearing about the idea of having to deal with a baby in the house could push her over the edge. i got the idea that there were both mental and physical problems for the mom. i asked michella, given that she really had no place to live, no support, either financial or emotional, how she planned to take care of a child. she answered rather maniputively, it seemed, that her mother was just going to have to come up with something. michella then said, rather willfully that since she would not have finished her degree, her rather large college loan payments would come due very quickly too. her mother started to cry and so michella said "oh, ok, i'll have the abortion." by this point, the other counselor had called me into the session because she felt that the whole situation was making her very uncomfortable, and we (the counselors) will never sign off on someone who is not making her own choice. we always say, "this is too big a decision to make on the spur of the moment. you need to go home and re-think your choice. we do not do abortions because the mom or the partner or anyone else wants it. the woman herself has got to say she is choosing of her own free will." i always say "it's just too big a deal to risk making a mistake," but then she began insisting that she knew all along it would come down to her having an abortion, that she was just trying to delay it as long as possible. michella then said that she had to have it that day or she would never have it. so i said, "well, that's ok with us. maybe you weren't meant to have an abortion after all." but i said that we would do an ultrasound so that she would know exactly how much time she had to make a new appointment if she did conclude that abortion was for her.well, she was already 6 months, so abortion was out of the question. i suggested adoption but michella said no.her mother began to weep and they left. i wonder what will happen to all three of them. there was no joy, no money, no nothing. often when we send a woman home, there is a smile on her face if what she really wanted was to have the baby. often she will thank us for helping her to see that, even though it may be difficult for her, it's what she wants. there was none of that with this mother and daughter. i suggested that michella might want to avail herself of counseling on campus since she is going to finish this term. it's just kinda sad to see this situation. we can only hope for the best. --lou

tv censorship

I was just reading an article about the canadian tv show "degrassi", the older version for high school kids . it was seen in this country too and still can be picked up on some channels.  the show dealt with themes of date rape, pedophiles, cyberstalking, gay boyfriends, school shooting, cuttings, ritalin abuse, male bulemia.  so what theme had to be edited in order to be shown in US? 

you guessed it!  when a 14 yr old had an abortion of course.   she could not be shown making her way through anti's shoving little plastic fetuses in her face, could not have an abortion without either guilt or medical problems. 

now, i don't know what the censors cut, but these shows went to 150 foreign markets, including afghanistan, algeria, bangladesh, china, north and south korea, kuwait, nepal, pakistan, iran and rwanda.  it also ran in cuba where the show was lauded as being educational and for endorsing values such as "family and generosity". 

it's pretty disturbing that abortion cannot be shown the way it really is for the majority of women, young and not-so-young.  i just hope that censorship does not get worse now that our government seems to have decided that democracy is only for other countries, like the middle east, and that we should become a theocracy!

the importance of bonding

sometimes i am near despair because of all the energy spent debating abortion related issues."abortion is wrong" vs "wrong is forcing a woman to continue a pregnancy against her will."; all of you know the words to defend your position; those debates can be read in the comments on the various past postings here. other times i think maybe we are not really so far apart. in my experience most women choose abortion when they feel that they cannot, at this time, offer the kind of life they want for their child. their conclusions are reached because parenting that child in the way that they feel it should be means so much to them. those opposed to abortion also care about children. each respects life, but from a different perspective. debating which is the "right" perspective could go on and on and on. as an abortion provider i think about life a lot. not so much when does life begin, but what kind of life does a child deserve. this case exemplifies this: yesterday, a couple just back from the iraq war had decided that for them, for their family, this pregnancy could not continue. the woman, i'll call her rosa, was sent to iraq when her baby was only 6 months old. her husband was already there. although they pleaded with the army, they were told that no exceptions are made. of course rosa became very depressed in iraq, being away from her baby for a whole year. but she felt fortunate, too, that her mother was able to care for the baby. she had heard of others who were told to put their babies in foster care. now both she and her husband are back in the US. she is still in counseling for the depression that began a year ago when she was separated from her daughter. she and her husband are trying to get to know one another all over again and put together the life that crumbled over a year ago. their daughter does not know them and clings to her grandmother, the only mother she knows. of course they were using birth control because the last thing any of them need right now is another baby in the family. however, it failed. what their focus needs to be, they believe, is re-establishing a relationship with their daughter and creating a stable home before even thinking of another child. the child psychologist they consulted agreed that bringing another child into the home would not be a good idea right now because the crucial bonding between parent and child was disrupted and needs to be repaired. so, here they are, rosa and marlon, trying to do the best thing for their daughter. they thought about it a long time and concluded that they could not bring another child into their home without damaging the one they have. they are electing to allow her to get to know them first and they want to get to know her, too. abortion was chosen out of love for their child. --lou

So Many Stories

I have so many stories to write!  The site had some problems that are now resolved so I am at last back online.  I could tell you the story of the woman who had a stroke (at age 24) with her last pregnancy and is a candidate for another stroke, so, much to her sadness and dismay, she is having to give this pregnancy up rather than risk leaving her 4 year old with no parent at all.  I could tell you the story of the family having to move out of state because they lost their farm.  Bad weather, low prices for the crops, and a previous bank loan that came due have forced these folks to give up the farm that has been in their family for generations.  I could tell you about the recent baptism we did at the request of a patient and her partner, an event both solemn and respectful.  The couple did not feel that they could care for yet another child and elected to give it back to God.

But I want instead to tell you about the 13 year old who was pregnant by the neighborhood pedophile.  By the time the family came to us, time was of the essence because she was fast approaching the time when abortion would no longer be possible in this state.  The child had not recognized that she was pregnant, had been afraid to tell her parents that she was having forced sex with this man, a neighbor, because he said he would harm her family if she told anyone.  As you can imagine, all three of them, mom, dad, daughter, were in a state of shock, yet had to make all arrangements at the same time they were talking to the police about the upcoming criminal case.   They live in a state that has a mandatory speech that each patient has to hear (and in this case, because of her age, a parent as well).  Well, they had received this required information at a particular clinic, but then decided to go to another clinic because this first clinic could not help them with the evidence collection of the products of conception (POC) as it's known medically.  Collection of the  POC was crucial to the criminal case since a police officer had to transport it directly to the crime lab for DNA testing.  But this clinic (known to be less than helpful in other instances as well) refused to release the proof that the patient and parent had heard the speech saying that it was the clinic's  property!  Can you imagine?  Many officials pleaded with them, pointing out how traumatized the child already was but the unhelpful clinic would not relent, causing a further delay in an already terrible situation for the family. (I am being charitable here, this clinic chain has been rejected for membership by both major provider groups for their poor standards and practices.)
You know, when those legislators put these 24-48 hour delays in place, they do not realize how they might affect real people in crisis.   Luckily, we were able to get everything in place, but only because staff, doctors, and other medical personnel all stayed late to help out this family.  It was a teary day for all of us, but we tried to keep our tears away from the patient.  We did not need to make her deal with our reactions to her situation.  So we cried and held one another in the back rooms where we could not be seen.  It felt so good to be able to complete the procedure so that the family would not have to come back to the city again.

The POC evidence was taken to the crime lab, the pedophile has been arrested and with positive proof that he caused the pregnancy, we are hopeful that this little girl will not have to face him in court, that he will just plead guilty and not risk a jury trial. 

But what willl happen to this little girl?   She lives in a very small town where everyone knows everything about everyone.  She is still so young, very childlike; we can only hope that she can get some professional help for all the damage done to her.  In the meantime, you can be certain that she will be in our thoughts. 

Lou