abortionclinicdays

Playing House

I talked to a young woman and her boyfriend recently about an abortion she had a month or two ago.
Charmaine (not her real name) was still very affected--depressed, crying, irritable, unable to really get it together. Her boyfriend Scott (also not his real name) was increasingly frustrated that she was so unhappy and essentially insisted that she come in. (When people actually seek help, it's invariably because someone else pushed the issue.)

What emerged was a young woman whose expectations were wildly different than her partner's. Neither had a job or education, but Charmaine was ready for a baby and a family and he was not. All of her friends had babies, and she felt that since they had an apartment with an extra bedroom they were set. Scott had a mental condition and couldn't afford his meds, and didn't want to pass his genetic make-up on to any poor child.

And yet, each had a version of reality that incorporated the same set of facts into their partial story. Charmaine insisted that the pregnancy was planned, that she was supported in having a baby by her family and friends, but that his family had set him against the idea. She was understandably angry at them. Scott's version was that he never wanted a child, especially not when he was not working reliably, and when he was feeling so emotionally vulnerable. His family was supportive of him and sent him money for an abortion.

Charmaine eventually acknowledged that she could have left the clinic at any time, and that she did not tell the staff that this was not her decision. I told her either would have stopped everything. Scott said that he went along with the idea of the pregnancy because he just wanted her to be happy, until it hit him what was happening. But where to go from here? A couple of months later, many fights (daily) and these two young people (she is 19, he 20) were stuck in an emotional tar pit that was dragging them down more and more every day.

I think relationships are incredibly difficult to do well, or even adequately. It's not something you get taught, except by bad experiences, and then only if you happen to run into some good help. So, it's no surprise that a young woman gets all warm and fuzzy about having a home and a family, even if the reality doesn't support the fantasy. Then when it all fell down like a house of cards, Charmaine didn't know how to speak her own mind and her own heart. She went along with something, as she wrote, "I would never ever consider." And Scott felt that a relationship is about keeping the other person happy and maybe just glossed over his own strong feelings about not having a child and his own vulnerabilities.

I prescribed a healthy dose of reality for both of them and although I personally don't hold out much hope for them as a couple, with a little luck, they will learn something they can take to the next relationship. At least they were still talking when they left.

--Bon
PS sorry for my long absence; a non abortion project captured me and held me hostage!

god understands

today i had the opportunity to talk to a woman whose life has been very hard.  she was born with cerebral palsy and has managed to find ways to live with it that are commendable.  she does not bemoan her lot and, in fact, seems quite happy that she has been able to have three living children, although one did die shortly after birth.  all of her children have either heart valve problems or seizures or both, therefore needing special care. 

when, much to her dismay, she found that she was again pregnant, she said she knew what she had to do. she said "i am a christian but i know that god would not want me to continue this pregnancy."  each time she is pregnant, her cerebral palsy worsens, with further damage to her spine.  she wants to have her tubes tied, but does not have the money to pay for the surgery.

she has a 5 month old child, along with the two others living, and says that she has her hands full.  her partner's work keeps him on the road much of the week so she is on her own until his return.

so, she said, although she never ever imagined that she would consider abortion, she finds that it's best for the children she has because she has been told that to continue this pregnancy could put her health in further jeopardy.    she said she regrets that she is again pregnant, had been using condoms because she knew that she did not want to be pregnant.  unfortunately, she, like many others, became pregnant while using contraception.

her faith in god's understanding came out a deeply held belief that she was god's child and that he would not want to see her children without her, sent off to foster homes.  she said that she did not even have to think very much about it, that it was just "the right thing to do".

there were many like her today.  many had situations that made it clear that continuing a pregancy that they had done their best to avoid occurred anyhow.  if you figure that every woman has at least 30 years of fertility, and that most of those months of her life birth control could fail her, it's a wonder that there aren't more accidental pregnancies.  on the other hand, why is it that every industrialized city in the world has a much lower rate of birth control failure?  is it because birth control is more available?  is it because they understand how their bodies work better?  is it because both partners assume part of the responsibility for contracepting and therefore many women have "double protection"?  os it because women are taught that it is a good idea to prevent pregnancies and the govenrments do all they can to help her?  whatever the reason, more women in this country have to contend with pregnancies that they are unprepared to continue.

so, she had her abortion and happily went home to her children.

lou