abortionclinicdays

just so my daughter does not grow up like me

it has now been nearly a month since i counseled the woman who said, "just don't let my daughter grow up like me". the statement really wasn't even about the abortion. but then, abortion is mostly not just about abortion, is it? it's really about hopes and dreams, about providing for the kids you already have, it's about the quality of your life.

this particular woman, whom i'll call tanya, immediately started to cry as soon as she entered the counseling room and couldn't seem to stop. finally, she was able to tell me why she was sobbing so uncontrollably. she said that it was just in the last few days that she had come to an astonishing revelation. somehow, she said, in the 15 or so years since she had graduated from high school, she had "lost herself, little by little'. what she then proceded to tell me was that when she was in high school, she was outgoing, optimistic, a cheerleader, and had a fulfiling social life. she had married her high school boyfriend a few years later, and then began to withdraw from her former life. her husband restricted her departures from the house, restricted her phone calls, while at the same time putting her down, stripping away her self confidence, eventually even taking her self respect. and, she told me, it wasn't until she found herself pregnant again that she even realized what had happened.

her decision to terminate the pregnancy was just a part of her decision to begin to take back her own life. she said she was terrified, had not told her husband, and hardly knew what she was going to do next. but, she said, she knew she could not stop now that she had remembered her former self. she said very clearly that she didn't know how she'd do it, but she had to move on. it was at this point she declared "just don't let my daughter grow up like me". she said that even though her daughter was only 4 years old, she could see the daughter beginning to act like her, beginning to sound as though she was losing faith in herself, and it was this that tanya said made her weep so loudly.

i asked her if she thought she might be weeping for herself a little too and she agreed. as we continued talking, of course tanya admitted that she was somewhat afraid of her former self. what if that optimistic, cheerful girl wanted to "take over" her life? so, we came up with a little game should could play. she could invite the "cheerful girl" to visit, but would tell her in advance that she could not stay too long. she could pick the days and times that she felt it would be safe for "cheerful girl" to visit, and of course i encouraged her to consider therapy so that she would have someone who could be a touchstone for her on this new scary, but very very inviting pathway.

this session has stayed with me because i think that there is so much about it that is true for so many women. so many of us lose our voice somewhere along the way to wherever it is we are now. and sometimes it takes a big big life event like pregnancy to shine the light on our lives for us. that's what it was for tanya. let's all wish her good luck on her journey.

lu

Thoughtful Commentary

Through various computer screw ups I haven't been able to read the comments lately or even post. And I have to admit, the firestorm over confidentiality felt assaultive and made me not want to read comments for a while. But I'm glad I did, because people who have commented have so thoroughly "gotten it" and been so deeply thoughtful that it renews my faith in the power of civilized dialogue.

In a climate of so much judgment and stereotypical assumptions not to mention insults, there is an attempt to find a "good" category of abortion to fit into. The stigma that we impose on women for having an abortion AND making an adoption plan (which might even be more stigmatized in some ways) makes it difficult to feel OK. In fact, women need to take on society's attitudes before we can feel OK. I think each abortion story deserves to be told and deserves its own compassionate response, including the baby had a bad condition abortion at 24 weeks. Yes, they are all different; no, one isn't more right than another. All women try to make their lives--and their families' lives-- better when they make these choices, even if in retrospect they think they made a mistake.

The "I had an abortion." t-shirt tries to take this stigma head on and stare it down. The problem is that the same attitude that would greet a woman who had an abortion is in full force at the t-shirt. What we need is some softening up of the general attitude, maybe a t-shirt that says, "It's OK, you can talk to me about abortion and I won't freak out on you," or, "If you're not a jerk, I'll tell you about my abortion." This is a much bigger task, unfortunately. To that end, the Abortion Conversation Project is one group trying to tackle this job, and they just released a report on "post abortion emotional health" which states that a big part of negative outcomes is the stigma and the lack of safe places to talk about abortion. So, if you haven't already checked out that site, you should---www.abortionconversation.com.

But, as Barbara Ehrenreich, whose work I like very much, says, we all need to "come out" about abortion, not just women who have had one, but their partners and mothers and friends, and people who work at clinics, and people who go to marches. Everyone who deals with stigma has to, at some point, challenge the wrong-headedness of that kind of judgment and tell the world what their decision really means to them. Not justify, just tell the story in all its human-ness.

This coming out process is scary initially, but it works, it's just so difficult to get started. But it's not exactly like the gay movement which embraced the notion of coming out as a political strategy. It has been a great strategy for acceptance of gays and lesbians. But one difference is that gay people wake up every day and are still gay. A life of being in the closet is excruciating with its daily deception. A woman who has had an abortion has no telltale signs typicallyand usually puts the experience further and further back in her mind. It is not her IDENTITY-- well usually, unless it has been so difficult to get over that she becomes the embodiment of the anti-abortion forces. There is help for women who are having a hard time!! Not political manipulation. Anyway, this is a very complex issue and all thoughtful commentary is welcome. Thanks to you all.
--Bon

when a tee shirt is not just a shirt

The piece below appeared as an op ed piece in the New Bedford Standard Times on August 3, 2004, in response to an editorial that appeared in that paper about a Planned Parenthood tee shirt. Even though 43% of American women will have an abortion in their reproductive lifetimes, some folks still want abortion to be secret and shameful. But only by being honest and open about our abortion experiences so that we can hear that we are the sisters, mothers, daughters, aunts and yes, even grandaughters of those who had abortions. Only then will we find solace and acceptance in knowing that we need no longer be ashamed, no longer need hide that we made a choice for our futures, for our families' futures, made our choice because it was the right thing to do. Read the op ed piece below:

T-shirts don't have abortions -- people do -- but you wouldn't know it by the
controversy over the "I had an abortion" T-shirt recently sold (and
discontinued) by Planned Parenthood. Those who oppose the T-shirt argue that its
purpose is to "promote" or "advertise" abortion. What fresh threat is this -- will
women choose abortion as a fashion statement?
Betraying a tragic lack of imagination and frighteningly narrow assumptions,
the Standard-Times issued its own editorial condemnation of the
T-shirt. The paper's "Our View" on July 29 read as a scolding to anyone who
might wear the T-shirt to "celebrate" abortion as an "accomplishment."
Awkwardly defending abortion as an option that should remain legal but stigmatized,
The Standard-Times proved an interesting but unintended point -- it is not
possible to stigmatize abortion without stigmatizing the women who choose it. The
editorial concluded with the not-so-subtle suggestion that women who have
abortions are unintelligent. Lovely. Just lovely.
Unfortunately, we who argue about abortion -- and now, about
abortion-related apparel -- have a bad habit of insulting the very women whose interests we
claim to represent. It is all too convenient, for the sake of heated argument,
to invoke stereotypes and to assume the worst of women whose lives and motives
are "difficult to imagine." Difficult, maybe. Impossible, not. Let's try
harder.
First things first -- if you see a woman wearing a T-shirt that states, "I
had an abortion," it's a pretty safe bet she has not had one (yet). She might
still, one day, find herself among the 43 percent of American women who will
choose to end an unintended pregnancy at some point during their lives. These
millions of women are not shopping for T-shirts, mugs, bumper stickers or
Frisbees to summarize, advertise, promote or otherwise trivialize their experience.
Forget the T-shirt. It's going nowhere.
Why? Because contrary to so many unapologetically insulting assumptions,
women who have abortions are not silly, shallow, flippant or stupid.
They aren't looking for ways to help you ignore the complex reality of their
decisions, their circumstances, their lives or the lives of their families.
Abortion is one of very few (exactly three) solutions to the ultimatum of an
unwanted or dangerous pregnancy. Women don't take it lightly.
Finally and most importantly, if you think you don't know someone who's had
an abortion, you are almost certainly mistaken. Statistically, it's nearly
impossible not to know someone who has had an abortion. Who are they? They are
your sister, your daughter, your mother, your grandmother, your best friend, and
your wife. They are old and young and middle-aged. They are married and
unmarried. They are wealthy, poor, and middle-class. They are women of every race
and religion. They are high school drop-outs and university professors. They
are secretaries, pilots, CEOs, soldiers, teachers, bus drivers, beekeepers,
postal workers, and talk show hosts. They are newspaper editors. And yes, they are
anti-abortion protesters.
Women who have had abortions are not strangers to you. They are women you
already know very well. Most of them -- as many as two thirds -- have children.
They are women you respect, trust, and love. They are women you live and work
with. Look around and see how many women are not wearing T-shirts to tell you
they've had abortions. Yes -- that's them.
Victoria Tepe is an author and editor living in New Bedford.
This story appeared on Page A12 of The Standard-Times on August 3, 2004.